Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Focus and Determination...

You know those days in your life when somehow all the clutter clears away and the dream for your life almost seems within reach... maybe just barely at your finger tips right now. You're focused on exactly what you want and it seems nothing will shake your persistance. ... That's how I feel right now.

But that feeling only lasts so long. Somehow you get ripped from that momentum. You were on a perfect path and plan for what and who you wanted to be and something threw you down and told you 'you can't pass'. You want to pass... but you just can't get back up.

This week started at the end of my fabulous weekend. Problems seemed to ebb and flow as they always will but suddenly my ability to shake them became incredibly strong. Problems? What problems? ... Fuck the problems... because I decided I am going to be happy!!

Everyday this week I have excelled at finding my happiness. Yeah... there are moments when I feel totally worn down and depressed, but I'm able to burn off those feelings. I don't know how long this ability will last. I think a huge part of it has been going to the gym everyday. Its hard to find the energy to go after a long workday... but it's so good for me.

I feel so driven toward my goals. So compelled to be better, do better, and find better! So I run at least two miles... bike, lift weights, and swim too. I wish I could see the weight pouring off me like it did when I first started. I should be just so proud of the 40 I have lost thus far and I am... but I want more. So, fortunately, my fabulous new roommate and I have taken to the gym. We have decided to go Monday-Thursday and Saturday. I wake up every morning and my legs ache because I ran farther and faster than the day before... and I love the pain. Its like in the movie G.I. Jane where Master Chief says to Jordan, "Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you're not dead yet!"

I'm in pain... and I'm happy. I'm dancing and living and loving my life. We only get to do it once right? Dear god I hope this fleeting moment of determination lasts a lifetime. How do you stay on course? How do you stay focused?

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Successful-Happy...

The weekend proved to be a good test of my new-found goal at happiness. I do think I faired quite well. It felt a much like a roller coaster though. There were moments when I felt pleased with myself and with my surroundings and moments when I succombed to the temptation to want beyond my current surroundings.

I started off by writing my list on Friday and hoping I could make the very best of all my weekend time - minus a male presence of course. I was quickly thrown back when an opportunity to be around a male presented itself and then was quickly taken away. For a moment I felt wanted, and as always that brings me to a sense of happiness. I have such a hard time being in on Fridays. I hate sitting alone watching the time pass. Truly, where does this come from? I have spent so many Friday and Saturday nights pissed off at my loneliness. Who says I have to be out doing something??

This time, I made a choice... I will ask someone and get the hell out. Mindful of the fact I won't go out alone, I looked to my best friend. She works on Fridays and Saturdays... which always makes this navagation a bit difficult. But I called anyway. I coerced her into going out after she got off work at 9pm. I offered to take her to the bar where she can ride the bull. Honestly... I think it's the stupidest damn thing and only the prettiest of the pretty can pull this damn thing off looking hott. I am not one of them.

We danced for nearly four hours instead of the planned two hours. I had my piece of happiness back... minus the male. Go me! :) She was slow to start dancing but I won her over... and we eventually even climbed up onto the speakers to be on show for all to see. I loved it... hit two items of my happiness list at once... yipee! I did feel spells of longing just to have someone dancing with me, but I shook them off and reminded myself just the dancing was enjoyment enough. I even found a new dance I'm totally into... called the Cupid Shuffle. I had to turn and watch others since this was only my second time hearing it, but it was a blast!

Saturday, I lounged around my apartment and ran around doing some errands. Until I got a call from my cousin hoping to come over again. We ended up joining a party across the apartment courtyard. There was probably more alcohol involved than I think is really needed. But I got to meet some new people and be social... again, it was a very enjoyable evening.

Sunday, I spent a few hours lounging by the pool and swimming. God, it was glorious! I love everything about swimming! It feels good and its healthy, how could you go wrong? I went home to cook something I had never made before. Penne with Vodka Sauce... and yes, it came out yummy!

I don't know how long I'll be strong. Today I feel lonely. I keep wondering why my phone is not vibrating, why no one is thinking of me. I'm trying to remind myself how unnecessary this concern is and how silly I am being. But... in the name of honesty, I'm having a hard time avoiding the feelings. So I already tried to book a date with my roommate for the gym this evening. I'm trying to focus on my work and keep my mind occupied with music.

All-in-all, I think It was a good weekend. But can I keep it up?? ...wish me luck!

Friday, July 24, 2009

What Makes Me Happy???

Ok... so everyone keeps telling me over and over how I need to be happy with me. I need to find happiness with myself. I need to love me before I can love anyone else.

Holy fuck... does anyone actually know how to do any of this? I want to be happy. I truly believe that's what we were put on this planet to do. Find our happiness, figure out what makes us smile more than anything else and do it as much as physically possible. I love to smile. I love the things that totally fill me with joy when they happen... now if I could only figure out what they are.

So, here is my attempt at that list. I need to try to be as selfish as humanly possible because one of my largest problems is I'm always doing for others. I don't clean because it feels good in my space when I do... I do it because someone is coming over or to protect someone's image of me. I'm always doing what I think someone else will want of me.

One of my biggest challenges along with being selfish, will be to think about things I can do when I'm alone. I am on my own now. Men can come and go, but the only person I can really count on is me, so that's what I need to do. I do, however, have social anxiety-disorder. This makes me hate being alone. I feel lost, lonely, judged, and paniced being alone. I have been on medication for it in the past, but right now I'm in a place in my life where I feel the best thing I can do for me... is to be me. Even my flaws need to be a reality right now.

Another part of this list is going to be why something makes me happy, because lets face it... not everything that makes us happy is good for us. Being drunk can be exhilerating but if I'm doing it so that I don't feel, it might not be a healthy or wise choice.

So, here is my list:

  1. Being near water - I love watching the water shimmer and dance in the sun, the smell when it is fresh and clean, and I like feeling the air blowing and making my hair dance.

  2. Dancing - I love the music, the excercise, the ambiance, learning something new, watching others, and the attention I get.

  3. Painting - I love the finished product, knowing that I made something beautiful that I am proud of, having something to put on my walls, the feel of the paint gliding on the blank canvas, and washing off the smudges I seem to get all over me that feel like war paint.

  4. Drawing Abstracts - I love coming up with a good idea for an abstract, figuring out the color pattern, using the ruler and compass to make it perfect, flipping through my book and knowing I did damn good work, and when others look at my book and tell me how nice they are.

  5. French Tips - I love getting my nails done because they make me feel sexy and elegant even when I am wearing jeans, I love that I can bare my toes and have the sexiest little feet.

  6. Tanning - I love laying in the sun... feeling the warmth pour into me, how soft my skin is after, how good I feel in my clothes, how blonde my hair gets, and feeling sexy in my own skin.

  7. Photography - I love taking pictures of almost anything, the capturing of the beautiful stillness of a flower or fruit, love standing back and admiring my work, love that when I take pictures of me all I hear is how beautiful I am, knowing my ability to manipulate a photo into something more or something less, and knowing I choose who sees.

  8. Running - I hate getting up the energy to go but once I've done it I feel like I've conquered the world, seeing the awesome results I get, hearing the compliments, and feeling the muscles in my legs ache tomorrow (honestly, this is so important because it reminds me I did good!).

  9. Getting Fit - I have lost about 35lbs so far and I am so proud of myself for it because I have worked my ass off, knowing I can achieve something if I want it badly enough, hearing someone tell me they are proud of me, and running my hands down my sides and loving that curve.

  10. Being Wanted - This is a happiness I get from others and thus is not the best, but it is very big for me. I like knowing someone is thinking about me, the idea that someone is getting pleasure from who I am or what I can give. I invest too much time and effort into this.

  11. Cooking Experiments - I love making something new that sounds incredible, using all the different tools I have in my kitchen, hearing the compliments after it comes out well, and tasting that I did a good job.

  12. Cats - I love watching my boys run back and forth through the apartment, I call this 'rip-assing'. I love when they forget to brake in time, love hearing their feet pound the floors, seeing their tails bounce, and seeing their ears pointed back.

  13. Farms - I love seeing all the animals on a farm, learning about the equipment, feeling the dirt in between my fingers, listening to all the sounds that come from it, feeding all the animals and getting sticky, slobbered on fingers, the peaceful setting, the stability of something that has been around a long long time and won't be going anywhere fast, and some of the smells... call me crazy, but it's natural.

  14. Views - I love being really high up and seeing the view. Be it a plane, a mountain top, a para-sail... I like seeing all the earth that is around me and how tiny things become.

  15. Jet-Skiing - OMG... I love this! I love the feel of the water, the speed, the vibrations from the motor, the chance at seeing marine life, the wind blowing my hair, and the fear that I'm going to tip over.

  16. Music - I love the kind that fills you up and gives you a catharsis, the emotions you feel being let out in words, the way my hips feel compelled, and the beat that I can't help but move to.

  17. Orgasms - I couldn't leave this out, because honestly, how could I claim to be as I am if this weren't something that thrilled me. I love the anticipation, the friction, the heat, the way it is sooooo hard for me to stay quiet... dare I say 'impossible', nearing climax and feeling like I'm about to do this amazing thing, feeling my entire body release everything, how completely drenched I get, catching my breath when I cum so hard it takes five minutes, knowing I just made someone's day, and starting it all over again.

Ok... so that's my list for now. I may add as I think of more. But hopefully this will give me some ideas on what I should be doing besides obsessing about boys and the dating world.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Trust Me?

There are some out there that just don't know how to be honest... I get stuck in the situation where I feel like I've said the same thing tens times, and somehow still don't feel like the other person is hearing me. Am I not saying it right, are they not listening, or do they just not care to hear?

For instance... I've been talking to a local guy for a few days. He found me online, of course, and we have been planning to actually meet up for a short while. We talk about some of the weirdest stuff. There are the "what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done" questions and then there are the "how many kids do you want to have" kind of questions. But more than anything I feel like he just wants to jump me the second I arrive.

I ignore my feelings and my gut impulse to run and hide. I keep telling myself I'm probably wrong, maybe I can hold my own even if he tries something. We've discussed my feelings and my extreme aspiration that there be absolutely no sex the first time we meet... how dare me, right??? After some coercion I felt I had won him over, that the only way I would put myself through a two hour drive to meet a stranger is if I knew I would not be balling my eyes out on the drive home. I need to stick to my guns and respect myself and the fact that I think sex the first time I meet someone is a bad idea. So I told him he must agree and make the decision with me that this would be a hands-off encounter.

... And yet every conversation since we made that "mutual" decision has been about him sucking my tits... does this seem off to anyone else??? I try to play it off. Then it's more of the same... "are you sure we can't?" "what if I just?" "does masterbation count?" ... etc. Are you fucking kidding me? Of course it counts!!

So what the hell is my ambivalence? How can I not see this fruit loop is only out for one thing? And even more... since I clearly do see, why do I find it so damn difficult to just say I'm not coming?

I feel like the one person in the world I need to trust is me. And yet the hardest person in the world for me to trust... is me. I'll listen to the bullshit, the headgames, and the lies any man will spin me before ever just listening to myself. There has got to be a switch on me somewhere... and it is clearly flipped in the wrong direction. I just need to trust myself and my intuition.

I texted him... I'm not going. Why do I feel so insecure in this decision? I feel a lot like a turtle flopped onto its back. I'm scrambling, grabbing, and reaching... Why can't I trust me?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Finding Balance When It All Feels Tipped

I sit in another wave of confusion. My body aches with sadness. I fight this battle inside myself everyday. The good versus the bad. The intellect versus the lust. The friend versus the the sexual deviant. I really feel quite trapped in this cycle.

I look around and men don't exist. Not real ones. Not the ones that hold your hand. Not the ones that would kiss your belly if you told them it hurt. Well maybe they do exist... they either just have no interest in me or they are already taken. To get a guy like that... what do you do?

I guess I focus too much on grabbing their attention. I long for that first lust and impulse to get them to notice me. If they never look, how will they ever see me? There are a million girls out there... and a whole shit-load of them look ten times better than me. There are smarter girls who could probably spin circles around me in what they know. There are sweeter girls that would melt them faster than I could. So what do I have? How the hell can anyone feel special anymore? Unless I appeal to their sexuality... because I know sex! But that normally foreits any chance at anything meaningful. So... I don't know what to do.

So... I guess I go the sexual route. No.. that is not to say I fuck anything that walks within 10 feet of me. But I talk pretty, I flirt, and tease... I want them to want me. I want to be who they think about before they fall asleep and when they open there eyes. Maybe I long to be thought of as perfection. I don't even know what I want... I guess that should be first?

But then I cross the line. Even when I somehow find someone that wants to talk to me because I'm smart, funny, and interesting... I can't fucking control myself. I still tease and play until he has no choice but to want. And then I've fucked it up. There are somethings done in friendly fun... and somethings... ... somethings just cross the line.

Once I've ruined the good I find I feel so hopelessly sad. It's so rare to find someone that you enjoy talking to, that enjoys you too. That's when I feel like I must not be able to do a damn thing right. Because even having ten guys begging to see me for the sexual side... none of it compares to that one. I need to find where I can be both. I need that someone that loves me for my mind and heart but fiends after my body and sexuality.

I need to find a balance. I just don't where... everything feels so off balance. Where do you find the stability?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Dance With Me

I went out last night with my new roommate. I really had such an awesome time. Got way more shit-faced than, honestly, necessary. I have such a thing for the club. I love the excercise and the music. I love having it so loud I can feel it.

I am confused about the men though. The ones that stand around and just watch. I feel sort of like I'm at a meat market and I'm on show. Oh... "look at the breasts over there," "no wait look at those thighs," and "what about the hips"... I don't mind watching a hot guys eyes travel down my curvy body, seeing his lips curve into a smirk as he traces the lines. Its totally exhilirating feeling that hot.

Then there is the random guy that thinks your dancing is just too fucking tempting, I mean... otherwise how the fuck could anyone think its appropraite to rub their cock up against your ass just because you are shaking it, without asking?? I know it takes balls to ask a girl to dance, but I assure you once you feel my ass grinding against you, you'll be so fucking happy you did. On the other hand, if I'm dancing and suddenly feel something behind me, I'm going to move. I think the least you can do... is ask. Don't you?

But I was getting near the end of my limit. It had been 3 Patron shots and 4 rum & cokes. I was finally feeling the buzz. The music was crashing into my body in waves and I was doing my best to keep my hips in line with the music. I felt like everything in the club was being taken over by a cloud. The dusty fuzz covering the bar and the bar tender, the dancers, the poles and the mirrors, my companions and their drinks. And all I could do was dance and dream...

... It took me back. I closed my eyes and I was somewhere else. The music was just as loud, the room was just as hot... but he was behind me. I felt his finger tips slide down my sides as I raised my arms dancing to chant of the music. Felt his hands cruve as he neared my breasts... and felt his breath grow closer to my neck the more he wished to have his mouth on me. I felt the rock of his hips echo mine in the steady rush of the beat. This was where I wanted to be. With him... you.... right behind me.

I loved watching him when I needed a break. I stepped back and sat up on the wall. It had been four hours of steady dancing and my thighs were throbbing. The music was so compelling I wanted to be moving again. I sat there a moment trying to stable myself and catch my breath. Dancing with someone I refuse to miss a beat... I want him to feel every pulse that runs through my body and into his. Within a few moments I was back on my feet. I watched him step out of the way of passing dancers, this is so rare, I thought. He is so rare. I thought to myself about what a gentleman he must be and I loved it. I wanted to be back pressed against him, feeling his hands on me again... but I would never ask... NEVER.

I let the music take me back and I got lost once again in rhythm dancing on the wall. I got near the edge where he was and he touched me... his eyes peered up at me and I knew he wanted what I wanted. He wanted me back pressed against him too. I went back down to the dance floor and it felt incredible. I felt his hands on my hips and I shouted back at him... "my pants won't stay up, you'll have my bare ass on you soon" ... he shouted back, "then you know what I go through, I'll keep them up for you". We intertwined fingers and caressed my hips together and I pulled him all around me. His lips teased my neck and it took every ounce of me not to wet my panties on the spot. I failed... completely covered in sweat, in lust, and him. My eyes closed and I melted back against him erasing everyone else from the room. It was the most incredible feeling, I never want to let it go.

... And I won't let it go. Thats why here nearly a month later its still in my mind. That dance, I can still feel it on my body, I can still feel it in my mind. What a perfectly sexy moment. I think I will take it with me whenever I go out, now. How can one moment pull you so hard? How can one moment make you feel so in heat? I'm so happy I got that moment.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Permanent Marker?

I've spent some time considering whether or not to get a tattoo. Mostly it comes up when I meet someone new. We start talking details and it inevitably comes down to, "Do you have any tattoos?"

I don't actually. For a long period of my life I sort of thought they were ugly. I thought tattoos were something dirty and tended to look barbaric. You know, gangsters get tattoos to label themselves part of gang. People in prison or recently out get them to make some sort of life-completing statement of their journey.

I'm sweet and innocent, hmmmm.... well, let's just say for the purposes of this post... and sweet, innocent girls aren't all marked up like that. And even more since I plan to have kids some day. The idea of a distorted figure smearing across my skin as I disfigure to have my child, it just doesn't appeal! Hahaha. So why am I even thinking about it now???

I guess hearing soooo many guys tell me how sexy they are is part of it. Seeing them on guys skin and growing to find a new appreciation of the art and creativity that goes into something like that. To be so empassioned by something in your life you'd want to wear it on the outside of you for the rest of the world to see throughout your entire life. It's powerful!

My original thinking was something to do with fish. I've loved Betta's since I went to college the first time. Their long, beautiful, flowing fins. I had one for nearly 4 years... and he was such a good, attentive fish. He would dance at the site of my finger and flare at me whenever I stared into his tank. I guess I loved the balance of beauty and aggression they hold. So ... then I was thinking where I would want it. For the longest time I wanted it on my lower back. It's so common for girls these days. When my shirt would slide up my back it would be visible. This seemed like a location I could handle.

... Then I heard what it was called. Who the hell wants anything on their body being called a 'tramp stamp'??? I know I sure as hell don't. Since I had put so little thought into it originally, I figured who cares now, I just won't get one.

But the thought kept coming back. I kept thinking about what I would want and where else I could want it. And not too long ago I ended up in the tattoo parlor with my brother. He asked me if I wanted one and I explained my dilemma. He started making suggestions. ... He mentioned getting one on my hip and I thought 'EEK'! Right on the bone would kill!!

So... I thought about getting it a little further in. Like... just below my panty line, just above the V. I think this spot could be totally sexy. And of course it had me thinking... I wouldn't do the same tattoo I would have done on my back, it's a much smaller spot, clearly it would need something smaller. But it would still need to have meaning for me. ... my favorite animal, by far, is the cat ... thinking of the area and meanings ... I decided I wanted a kitten! I totally love the idea... a soft, fuzzy, cute kitten... ready to pounce! :D With big eyes staring up at you!

I think I've fallen for the idea! Maybe someday I will cave and have the permanent ink carved into my skin. Is it really worth it? Is the passion and beauty really all its cracked up to be? Would it have the appeal I want it to have...?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Let Go And Learn...

I am so filled with hate. I hate my ex. I hate that I said yes. I hate that all the times I tried to say we need to cancel the wedding he ignored me and told me I was just scared. I hate that when my father came over and told him he was making a mistake by not cancelling I didn't chime in with my father. I hate myself for letting it all happen.

I want to erase this all from my life. Erase spending $30,000 on a wedding that was a mistake. I can't wait until the day I wake up from this moment and stop regretting. I believe life is a series of events, some you like, some you do not. But you shouldn't regret. Even when you don't like something that happened... it teaches you something. I just want to be happy I learned.

But I'm hating my lesson and hating him even more. I chose to seperate because not wanting to sleep with my own husband seems like a really huge problem to me. I'm trying to do right and figure me out, and this mess I've created. What a HUGE mess!

All the bastard can do is tell me how I'm making his life hell by not staying up his ass now that we're seperated and how he needs me back. You don't need to be married to someone that didn't want to marry you. Why is this complicated? Right now... I just want to know when... when will I stop regretting I ever met him? When?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Can I Get A Remote?

For the past several months, I have found myself wishing for time flucuating abilities. :D These past few weeks have been flying.

A few weeks ago I was in a place where I would have done anything just to pause. I wanted stay as happy and as at peace as I was... for as long as possible. The truth is, it probably would have been a combination of the rewind button followed by play... over and over until that week never left my mind. It was the perfect sense of having absolutely everything I needed and wanted at the given time. Today... I'd probably want more from those moments, but in the moment, it was... perfection.

At present, my work has me so insanely busy, I feel like I've forfeited all sense of life. I guess the truth is, I can't say that. Time hasn't really chosen to speed past me in some manipulative torture, it's probably more that I spend so much of my day with my eyes tucked into a computer screen that I forget to live. I don't know what I'm waiting for the computer or this computer apparition to do. True, I spend some time doing actual work. But mainly I sit here waiting, fidgeting, fulling the time...

So, what the hell am I waiting for, who am I waiting for? What miraculous person is going to jump out of my computer screen and fulfill all the want I am feeling? I don't even know that one person has that strength anymore. A sense of confusion has washed over me. I lost the understanding of myself I thought I once had. So today... I'm really looking to fast-forward. These files piling around my desk would all be processed. I'd be a few days closer to a year from now, where hopefully my life's current troubled waters will have calmed, where all the fulfillment I look to my computer illusion to fill... will be filled by a reality.

So where can I buy my remote? Or maybe I just need to learn to be happy in my present and have patience... HA! LOL... don't people spend there entire lives looking for that in the moment happiness? Seriously... I'll take the remote now. :P Hell, I'll even get up and control it if someone shows me the where the control board is!

Monday, July 13, 2009

It's The Stupid Machine!

So, here's my current rant...

I went pre-law for a that one year and loved the hell out of the law, but not the crappy prerequisites that came along with the Bachelors degree. So when I decided I should go back to school I wanted it to be short and sweet. I wanted to get the courses I needed and get out as fast as possible. So I went to a technical school to get the Associates and got it over in 18 months. Optimally, is this where I want to be in my life? Hell no!! I, of course, wanted to prove to the world I am more than a damn receptionist. I was going to be an incredibly compassionate attorney knocking down one child abuser at a time!! I excelled in school and I've excelled at every job I've ever been at, so why am I here feeling like I'm treading water at a meaningless-go nowhere kind of job?

I spent nearly three years working at The Bank of New York (Mellon). I worked in securities processing. Internal clients loved me to pieces for my ability to solve any problem that came along and my relentlessly-helpful, bubbly personality. My last week on the job a guy came in and gave me a box of chocolates for all my assistance and support. I liked being liked. I liked even more rocking the socks off my department with my knowledge of the inner workings. I guess my combination of those years and the time I serve here at my present company, I will probably go back to school for something relating to finance and securities.

But until then I am here... answering phones and working all the machines. Sometimes I feel like my day revolves around the mood of the copiers. I fix them whenever they break and assist all my co-workers in understanding the machines' complexities. So why is it the first second I look like I'm pissed off at the machine my older co-worker can't help herself but to run off and get my boss??? Machines absolutely are not difficult, you just have to hit the buttons in the sequence the machine wants you to hit them in. And occassionally the machine gets so confused by what you are trying to manipulate it into doing it runs an error code.

So I'm standing there changing out the ink catridges in my mail machine... Do you want to change the cartridge now? I hit yes. Please remove the catridges and hit continue. I hit continue. Thus far, absolutely nothing is complex! You replace the new ones exactly as you removed the originals. But the machine is refusing the continue command, clearly there is a sensor not picking up the actions. I clear and re-process a few times with no luck. I decide maybe I should just go on without its promptings and it will catch up. Nope, not that either. I obviously look disgruntled, my co-worker looks over my shoulder, "usually the boss does that". Well, I guess out of all the shit to do in my day, I didn't figure I needed to run to my constantly frustrated boss to come over and slam a hammer on the machine to make it do a simple task. I say ever so sweetly, "No, I'm fine, thank you, I'll get her if it's necessary." Really I want to drop-kick the short lady and get her away from my space so I can secretly swear at the machine!

Do I honestly look that incapable of operating this stupid machine? Its got to be the older generation right, if you've never done it before you must never be able to figure out how it works? Well... when I finally broke down and let the short-older lady grab the boss, she sat here for nearly 45 minutes swearing at the machine for me, threatening to call for service on it multiple times. I guess its better she was doing the swearing than I was but honestly, it's the stupid machine's fault for not sensing! :P

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Eroticized Water

Ok, so I'm going swimming today. My cousin invited me out on the boat with her and her father. I dove at the opportunity. I absolutely love water. How could I not, I am a water baby after all. I love feeling the cool silky sensation surround every inch of my body. And when it's hot out, truly nothing could be better.

My confusion comes mainly from my past experiences from water. Inching my way down the beach with someone beside me. Lowering those sensative parts in one damn millimeter at a time. Until finally you jump in head first and get it all over with. I am well padded so I float effortlessly. I feel so free in the water. I swim a few strokes and then... then it's on!

I get near him. Crouching down in the water under him as he stands above me is so completely sexy to me. Tip-toeing closesr until I can run my hands up his thighs and I do. Tugging lightly at the elastic band of his suit... staring up at him as he's looking down at me... inches from where we both want me to be... my bobbing breasts grazing his thighs. And the second I have him on his knees at my water level ... my legs wrap around his waist and all four of our hands begin to explore what is unseen due to the murk of the water.

This happens to me so much... this overwhelming sexual desire that comes from being in water and near someone so sexy. I feel a little naughty, afterall, most swimming areas are public and that means children everywhere. But if you can keep it unseen... is there truly a harm here? Each time I think I will be a good girl, but lets be frank here, I won't be. And oh my god, it is so much fun!! Clearly the swimming can't last long at this rate. We're lucky if we can make it home. Might have to just take him in the car seat. ;) Either way clothes will be coming off!

Of course I love skinny-dipping... and I love going out late at night when the beach is deserted and doing everything I wanted to do in the water when there was daylight. But is something wrong with me? How could water make me so overwhelimingly hot? Does water do this to anyone else? Or should I just chalk this up to being a nympho?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

And The Game Is On...

So, what's the deal with internet dating? I've spent all of my mature life - past the ripe age of 13 - online, hoping to run into just the right person. But is it really all that special?

If you look to the bars ... All we have is women and men mixing about intoxicated or on the way to be. People have to go with friends so you have competition and peer pressure. You don't have the little questionaires to fill out in the doorway, so honestly the little you might get to know, well... that's all on you to bring up.

There are the hookups and blind dates we make through friends. And honestly were you expecting them to look any better when they show up at the door looking like something out of a bad 80's film? You wonder, does you friend know you at all? How could they set you up with someone sooo fucking clueless.

So why then, does internet dating get such a bad rap? Maybe it is the hundreds of lame men dying to get into your panties after just one IM... come on girl, tell me you didn't know that shit was coming! Maybe it's the fact that we let our guard down, we think we are all here for the same thing. We all want to feel special, we all want to feel desired, we all long to feel loved, and at some point we are all looking to get our families started. But is that really what most of the guys on your dating site are looking for? I'm sorry, I just don't see that.

The dating world is such a mess. The whole experience tends to throw me off. I put my picture out there, fill out the questionaire, write a little story about why I think I am the one and who I'm looking for. So why am I only getting asswipes? I know that's what I come back to everytime. I'm just not interested in that game anymore. I've seen better and now that's the only thing I want.

The internet is where I found the man I lost my virginity to when I was 16 years old. We spent the next two plus years together. Until we finally crumbled from the substantial age difference between us. I was emotionally immature and 100% unprepared for the world he offered me. The internet is where I found my husband when I was 20 ... and well, he is my ex now.

So, why do I find them there? And why do I keep going back? Most the men seem to be playing a feirce game. I feel like I'm being wrangled in and often feel, towards the end, like I'm being drop-kicked to the curb. The whole experience of finding 'someone' feels dirty and cruel. I know I'm wishing for a better way. ... Maybe I can meet him in a dance club...

Friday, July 10, 2009

Anticipation Is Everything

The moment waiting for the guest-of-honor to arrive at the birthday party. Everyone rustling and bustling, eating and drinking, talking and moving about... just waiting for that very second to come. They are all on the tips of their toes, the edges of their seats. Talking muffled and hushed listening intently for the sound of feet nearing or the jingle of keys unlocking. Just so we can all hide and then fall into embrace the newly arrived with screams of 'SURPISE'.

The moment standing in line waiting for the ride to come to an end so you can get on. Watching the patrons already on it wondering why the hell their ride is lasting so long. You count the people ahead of you in line for the thrid time making sure this next time... this is your time. Watching the operator hit the controls and just seeing the stupid ride change directions instead of halting. When it finally stops wishing the kids would just got off already so that the gate will open and you will be let in for your turn. Sitting down in the seat and waiting for all the patrons to be checked in apropriately and yes you are securely fastened, as well... and finally you feel it jolt and ease forward for your turn.

The moment when you meet just the right person and everything clicks. You stare into their eyes wondering if it's safe. It's going through the motions... meeting the first time and breaking the ice, exchanging numbers and waiting for the phone call follow-up, the second meeting - praying to still have that chemistry and when you're touching for the first time you feel the hairs on your arms stand at attention, the kiss that melts you because their lips feel just as breath-taking on yours as you ever could have imagined and thank you god they know how to use them, falling into bed with them and not hurting anyone on the way down and nearing the climax during sex - and thanking god you got to have one this time.

Its all so close you can taste it. It makes your heart race and your body wiggle. But what do you do in that moment when it finally arrives? Do you let the whole experience crash over you like a much too large wave at the ocean's shore... or do you jump into it and ride it out until you've experienced every last joy it could give.

You don't want to let it crash, you don't want it to drop, you can't fall now... you must find balance. Aniticipation is everything. It can make or break you. Wanting so hard to have it. Knowing it should come and telling yourself... it will come! And then it does come and it leaves you gasping for air and beating heart be-stilled.

I just had my moment. I'm still speechless ... what to do in my moment ... but smile. I knew you would come.

A Sense of...

Do you ever drive down the road completely entranced in the music, connected to the road, free from thought...? What about with someone beside you...? That's the moment I want right now...

The feel of your eyes on me... It's like I was lost in this moment and you found me. You found all of me. Feeling them stare at you... almost loving you. Seeing all the beauty you possess and the potential for the life you cling to. And all the wrong you could ever do... it was never really there. It feels like perfection. Being in that moment not only am I free from every worry, but I feel like crying, because I feel you beside me, I feel found, and I feel loved.

It's like one of those moments you dream about... the fairy tales you see in the movie. All I want is that moment... again. That perfect moment when I finally realize I'm being looked at and look over shyly and smile letting you know just how much I want you too.

You ever have one of those moments? I love those moments... I love that sense of.. you. It can't be taken away.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I Have What???

So... I went to the doctors yesterday. I'm so sick of the doctors. I'm about 95% sure those people are clueless. I think maybe just as clueless as I am. I walk in and point my finger in the configuration of my symptoms. They scrath their heads and nod.

... At first, I say, I had really bad heart burn that just wouldn't go away. ... Then, I mention, the growing intensity of back pain. Pretty, pretty picture I just painted. They all press on my stomache, "does this hurt?" ... Of course it hurts, you fucking dork. I hate feeling peoples finger tips burried into the flesh of my belly. Duh!

So they decided I probably have this Gallbladder Disease crap. Like my life isn't complicated enough right now? This would mean surgery and an additional two weeks out of work... and since I'm still in the introductory period, those are two unpaid weeks! Thank you very fucking much! Are they shitting me? Let my Gallbladder kill me, you can't take it out!! They have to rule out any other possibilities first and find out for sure it is what we all dread.

They run me down to have X-rays. I feel somewhat like I've been arrested... being forced into the gown smelling heavily of bleach, being walked down the hall and escorted into the room where I have to keep turning for pictures. They have the results on those immediately and tell me I have no tumors or a collapsed lung. PHEW!!! Jesus, I sooo would not have gone if I knew they were going to try to scare the shit out of me!

They take me back to the small room to take my blood. It's the same story, different day. My veins are tough, I warn her, they usually take from my hands. "Oh.. well we'll see," she tells me. She looks at my arms momentarily and decides I might be right. Well... I've been poked aproximately 50 times with only about 20 successful blood draws, you think I'd be aware by now. The nurse at the Red Cross told me not to come back until I was 40 and my veins were ready to cooperate. For real?? So she pokes one hand, digging in so deep I swear she came out the other side of my damn vein. And I love watching them twist and fidget it around trying to get the blood to flow. I wince and giggle and try to keep my composure. She says... maybe we should try the other hand. I think to myself... great, I'll be a wounded soldier walking into work tomorrow. She grabs another nurse to take the poke this time. She does much the same as the first until she gets it just right and refuses to move, calling the original nurse back over to switch out the tubes for her. Still... I remain composed, understanding the difficulty of my veins.

Ok she says... you come back first thing tomorrow for an sonogram and an upper GI. Frankly it all sucks, but if it keeps you from cutting out any part of my body, sign me up!

So I get up this morning and go on in. I feel a little like a glazed donut with all the shit she smeared all over my tummy. I lay there taking the newly warmed jelly and rounded camera she's pushing in up under my damn ribs. Then I went up to drink the Barium... They put me in the small holding cell and have me strip down to underwear... holy shit, I didn't... I did, I wore a damn thong! "Leave it open in back," the nurse says as she leaves me. CRAP! Why today? So I do as I am told...

She calls my name and takes me to the room with the big machines. The lady asks if I could be pregnant. I know they are supposed to ask, but how the hell should I know for sure. By the end of the line of questioning, I feel like asking myself if I'm pregnant. NO, Damnit! I'm not. I lay on the table and let them take pretty pictures of Barium whirling through me. The doctor tells me to turn three times. I'm in that stupid gown, I'm laying down, and he wants me to keep turning... by the end my bare ass is totally out there for the doctor to see. Come on now, no more twirling!!! He grabs my gown and covers me, seeing pathetic attempt to regain some dignity... I'm sure looking much the same as a dying fish stranded out of water on that hard flat panel. Thank god he sensed my embarassment and helped me out. I lay there on my tummy completely red from the whole damn experience. And he tells me I'm all set. Man did I run out of there!!

Test results should come soon. Hopefully then I will know what I face. Right now I'm praying for bad acid reflux and a stupid muscle cramp in my back. Wishing it will all just be something else, be anything else... because you can't have my Gallbladder!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Ultimate Attention Whore?

Ok... so I get that I'm an attention whore... but really.

I drive hard, really hard. I love the speed of a vehicle on curves, speeding even faster out of them. I love the control I have over such a huge powerful machine. God, its intoxicating. And I love the power it has over me. Wonder what it would feel like to drive a race car. When I drive 90 down the highway and start to feel the vibrations run through me. I bet it would feel something like that, but more.

I play my music loud... I love to feel every decible. I want to feel it like a pulse. Makes me want to dance. I feel free. I feel like I've broken away from every strife that has ever taken over me. Just hearing the music, the rhythm that compells my hips. It soothes me and gives me passion and life at the same time.

So, I put the two together... Drive fast and hard with my music loud. Play it so I feel it run through my seat into me. Feeling it crash around me and engulf me. The question is, why do I feel so damn compelled to roll my windows? Not only compelled, but I turn the music up louder, I drive faster... its pure fucking insanity. Why do I need them to see?

I wonder if it is the desire to be seen. Not only seen... but seen happy. So completely taken over by something flawless, like music. Loving it. Care-free. I look around to see who sees me at stop lights, but only small glances. I have to appear untouched and untouchable. I have to appear entranced and happy. I always want to appear... happy.

Can I be a Grown Up, Yet?

I constantly wonder, 'where the fuck am I supposed to go next'. I know I'm definitely not where I want to be. When I was little... I longed to be big. I always wanted to be at the next age mile-marker. When I was 5, I longed to be 10. ... When I was 10, I longed to be 13, and then 16, and then 18, and then 21. ... So where am I now. I'm 24 and my life still feels... well, not there yet.

I hurried up and got into college. An almost Ivy League so I could get the coveted law degree. I was slammed back into reality when the asshole one dorm over decided he wanted to get laid whether I wanted to give it up or not on the very first weekend. I tried to be the hero, move down the hall, let this 'good guy' go on without repercussion. As I moved down a floor to the one-bed cell that became my new dorm. ... I think a part of me died in that room. The loneliness, the fear, the loss of self. ... I moved back home with my tail between my legs, praying my parents would wash away all the confusion and pain that one year gave me. Guess what, they couldn't. Nor could they wash away the $27,000 it cost me to be held against the door against my will for five fucking minutes.

I hurried up and got married. He thought I was beautiful. He held my hand. He listened when I was having a bad day. He gave me strength when I was running low on my own. ... Must be true love! Right? ... Or is this what I should call, a best friend? After almost a year married, I see it. He was my best friend and I screwed it all up. He moved back to NYC Memorial Day. So now I'm just separated. So much for hurrying to build my family. I was going to get the husband and hurry and make the baby. WOAH, there nelly! Back that bitch up. We have got some re-writing to do.

Do I ever get to feel accomplished? I don't want to live my life one lamp-post to the next. There has got to be a better way!!

I AM A GROWN UP, DAMNIT! Time I start acting like one? ... meh, its all over-rated! Hehehe

A Starting Point...

I guess the first thing I should do... is start? I love to write. I have thoughts in my head all day everyday, whirling around, bumping into other thoughts, and in general causing confusion and what seems like utter chaos. I write usually when forced or compelled beyond belief. Usually, I write some form of erotic story, a letter requesting explanation, or in past years in a moment of conviction something so powerful I stand back and wonder where the fuck it all came from. Guess I should read up on how naughty I'm allowed to be here...

The Disclaimers:

  • I swear and don't mind if I do
  • I fuck and plan to talk about it here
  • I've been abused and eventually will elaborate
  • I need to learn and will only do so with reflection of myself and others
  • I will be 100% honest; that one is a reminder for myself as well as you

For the record:

This is a personal blog. The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer.