Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Can I be a Grown Up, Yet?

I constantly wonder, 'where the fuck am I supposed to go next'. I know I'm definitely not where I want to be. When I was little... I longed to be big. I always wanted to be at the next age mile-marker. When I was 5, I longed to be 10. ... When I was 10, I longed to be 13, and then 16, and then 18, and then 21. ... So where am I now. I'm 24 and my life still feels... well, not there yet.

I hurried up and got into college. An almost Ivy League so I could get the coveted law degree. I was slammed back into reality when the asshole one dorm over decided he wanted to get laid whether I wanted to give it up or not on the very first weekend. I tried to be the hero, move down the hall, let this 'good guy' go on without repercussion. As I moved down a floor to the one-bed cell that became my new dorm. ... I think a part of me died in that room. The loneliness, the fear, the loss of self. ... I moved back home with my tail between my legs, praying my parents would wash away all the confusion and pain that one year gave me. Guess what, they couldn't. Nor could they wash away the $27,000 it cost me to be held against the door against my will for five fucking minutes.

I hurried up and got married. He thought I was beautiful. He held my hand. He listened when I was having a bad day. He gave me strength when I was running low on my own. ... Must be true love! Right? ... Or is this what I should call, a best friend? After almost a year married, I see it. He was my best friend and I screwed it all up. He moved back to NYC Memorial Day. So now I'm just separated. So much for hurrying to build my family. I was going to get the husband and hurry and make the baby. WOAH, there nelly! Back that bitch up. We have got some re-writing to do.

Do I ever get to feel accomplished? I don't want to live my life one lamp-post to the next. There has got to be a better way!!

I AM A GROWN UP, DAMNIT! Time I start acting like one? ... meh, its all over-rated! Hehehe

1 comment:

  1. love it. I'm definitely coming back for more. My blog is semi-anonymous and I plan on being brutally honest as well. We're two very people on the different on the outside, but I bet there are a quite a few similarities when it gets down to it. Oh, and I'm working on that "coveted law degree" right now, and it's overrated. way overrated. I'm having a "finding myself" summer, and I'm already dreading that I chose a career that has me selling myself for money just so I can pay off my student loans. way overrated.