Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Can I Get A Remote?

For the past several months, I have found myself wishing for time flucuating abilities. :D These past few weeks have been flying.

A few weeks ago I was in a place where I would have done anything just to pause. I wanted stay as happy and as at peace as I was... for as long as possible. The truth is, it probably would have been a combination of the rewind button followed by play... over and over until that week never left my mind. It was the perfect sense of having absolutely everything I needed and wanted at the given time. Today... I'd probably want more from those moments, but in the moment, it was... perfection.

At present, my work has me so insanely busy, I feel like I've forfeited all sense of life. I guess the truth is, I can't say that. Time hasn't really chosen to speed past me in some manipulative torture, it's probably more that I spend so much of my day with my eyes tucked into a computer screen that I forget to live. I don't know what I'm waiting for the computer or this computer apparition to do. True, I spend some time doing actual work. But mainly I sit here waiting, fidgeting, fulling the time...

So, what the hell am I waiting for, who am I waiting for? What miraculous person is going to jump out of my computer screen and fulfill all the want I am feeling? I don't even know that one person has that strength anymore. A sense of confusion has washed over me. I lost the understanding of myself I thought I once had. So today... I'm really looking to fast-forward. These files piling around my desk would all be processed. I'd be a few days closer to a year from now, where hopefully my life's current troubled waters will have calmed, where all the fulfillment I look to my computer illusion to fill... will be filled by a reality.

So where can I buy my remote? Or maybe I just need to learn to be happy in my present and have patience... HA! LOL... don't people spend there entire lives looking for that in the moment happiness? Seriously... I'll take the remote now. :P Hell, I'll even get up and control it if someone shows me the where the control board is!


  1. You need to watch the movie "Click" starring Adam Sandler. I try to think of that movie when I feel exactly as you do - bc oh man.. do I go there.

    This is why a few months back I scheduled my first vacay for the end of the summer. I googled some activities I've always wanted to try, found local spots and made my plans to start attending.
    We could wait forever for someone to fulfill us.. never thinking that when that amazing person meets us, they would love to feel fulfilled by us too.

    I worry about losing my happiness and all that.. I struggle with it certain days. But I made a conscious decision to be the Boss version of me. Attain an appetite for life, even in the little things.

    Its MUCH more than platitudes.. in real life, to get there, you have to act as if you are already living your dream version of yourself. Taking better care. Changing what you don't like. Loving and appreciating what and who you have.

    Girl? especially after bs like tragedy or terrible 30,000 life circumstances.. evolving is .. it can't be feigned. That fulfillment you seek .. it comes out of that growth.

    haha.. I meant to write 2 sentences. I'm wordy and I just.. I understand.
    more than you know.

  2. Yeah, I actually really enjoyed that movie. Of course I would not want to auto-forward feature on my remote control.

    I know I need to learn to be happy with me, but I SUCK when it comes to that. I could never go on vacation alone. I'm just now getting to a place where I can stand going grocery shopping alone. I do have a bit of social anxiety disorder, but I'm really hoping to work past it soon.

    I like that 'Boss' version of me idea. Might have to start using that! :)