I sit in another wave of confusion. My body aches with sadness. I fight this battle inside myself everyday. The good versus the bad. The intellect versus the lust. The friend versus the the sexual deviant. I really feel quite trapped in this cycle.
I look around and men don't exist. Not real ones. Not the ones that hold your hand. Not the ones that would kiss your belly if you told them it hurt. Well maybe they do exist... they either just have no interest in me or they are already taken. To get a guy like that... what do you do?
I guess I focus too much on grabbing their attention. I long for that first lust and impulse to get them to notice me. If they never look, how will they ever see me? There are a million girls out there... and a whole shit-load of them look ten times better than me. There are smarter girls who could probably spin circles around me in what they know. There are sweeter girls that would melt them faster than I could. So what do I have? How the hell can anyone feel special anymore? Unless I appeal to their sexuality... because I know sex! But that normally foreits any chance at anything meaningful. So... I don't know what to do.
So... I guess I go the sexual route. No.. that is not to say I fuck anything that walks within 10 feet of me. But I talk pretty, I flirt, and tease... I want them to want me. I want to be who they think about before they fall asleep and when they open there eyes. Maybe I long to be thought of as perfection. I don't even know what I want... I guess that should be first?
But then I cross the line. Even when I somehow find someone that wants to talk to me because I'm smart, funny, and interesting... I can't fucking control myself. I still tease and play until he has no choice but to want. And then I've fucked it up. There are somethings done in friendly fun... and somethings... ... somethings just cross the line.
Once I've ruined the good I find I feel so hopelessly sad. It's so rare to find someone that you enjoy talking to, that enjoys you too. That's when I feel like I must not be able to do a damn thing right. Because even having ten guys begging to see me for the sexual side... none of it compares to that one. I need to find where I can be both. I need that someone that loves me for my mind and heart but fiends after my body and sexuality.
I need to find a balance. I just don't where... everything feels so off balance. Where do you find the stability?