Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Trust Me?

There are some out there that just don't know how to be honest... I get stuck in the situation where I feel like I've said the same thing tens times, and somehow still don't feel like the other person is hearing me. Am I not saying it right, are they not listening, or do they just not care to hear?

For instance... I've been talking to a local guy for a few days. He found me online, of course, and we have been planning to actually meet up for a short while. We talk about some of the weirdest stuff. There are the "what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done" questions and then there are the "how many kids do you want to have" kind of questions. But more than anything I feel like he just wants to jump me the second I arrive.

I ignore my feelings and my gut impulse to run and hide. I keep telling myself I'm probably wrong, maybe I can hold my own even if he tries something. We've discussed my feelings and my extreme aspiration that there be absolutely no sex the first time we meet... how dare me, right??? After some coercion I felt I had won him over, that the only way I would put myself through a two hour drive to meet a stranger is if I knew I would not be balling my eyes out on the drive home. I need to stick to my guns and respect myself and the fact that I think sex the first time I meet someone is a bad idea. So I told him he must agree and make the decision with me that this would be a hands-off encounter.

... And yet every conversation since we made that "mutual" decision has been about him sucking my tits... does this seem off to anyone else??? I try to play it off. Then it's more of the same... "are you sure we can't?" "what if I just?" "does masterbation count?" ... etc. Are you fucking kidding me? Of course it counts!!

So what the hell is my ambivalence? How can I not see this fruit loop is only out for one thing? And even more... since I clearly do see, why do I find it so damn difficult to just say I'm not coming?

I feel like the one person in the world I need to trust is me. And yet the hardest person in the world for me to trust... is me. I'll listen to the bullshit, the headgames, and the lies any man will spin me before ever just listening to myself. There has got to be a switch on me somewhere... and it is clearly flipped in the wrong direction. I just need to trust myself and my intuition.

I texted him... I'm not going. Why do I feel so insecure in this decision? I feel a lot like a turtle flopped onto its back. I'm scrambling, grabbing, and reaching... Why can't I trust me?


  1. As I mentioned in your previous post the imagine you create of yourself will determine the way a guy treats you and his expectation of you. You may see it as fun to flaunt your sexuality and desires but to some guys it’s an invitation for an easy kill.

    Self control is something that is hard to learn for some people but its something we definitely need to have. Well I don’t know much about where you live, but to avoid anything of any sort happening meet him in a public place a nice restaurant and at the end of the date you head on home.

  2. If you feel at all weird or uncomfortable about going to meet someone? There are probably enough reasons for you not to go.

    You made the right choice.

  3. You definitely made the right choice. The beginning of your blog reminded me of a conversation in Shopgirl (the book, not the movie):

    Ray feels compelled to have the Conversation. It is appropriate tonight because of Ray's fairness doctrine: before the clothes come off, speeches must be made. "I think I should tell you a few things. I don't think I'm ready for a real relationship right now." He says this not to Mirabelle but to the air, as though he is discovering a truth about himself and accidentally speaking it aloud. Mirabelle answers, "You had a rough time with your divorce." Understanding. For Ray Porter, that is good. She absolutely knows that this will never be long term. He goes on: "But I love seeing you and I want to keep seeing you." "I do too," says Mirabelle. Mirabelle believes he has told her that he is bordering on falling in love with her, and Ray believes she understand that he isn't going to be anybody's boyfriend. "I'm traveling too much right now," he says. In this sentence, he serves notice that he would like to come into town, sleep with her and leave. Mirabelle believes that he is expressing frustration at having to leave town and that he is trying to cut down on traveling. "So what I'm saying is that we should be allowed to keep our options open, if that's okay with you." At this point, Ray believes he has told her that in spite of what could be about to happen tonight, they are still going to see other people. Mirabelle believes that after he cuts down on his traveling, they will see if they should get married or just go steady. So now they have had the conversation. What neither of them understand is that these conversations are meaningless. They are meaningless to the sayer and they are meaningless to the hearer. They sayer believes they are heard, and the hearer believes they are never said. Men, women, dogs, and cats, these words are never heard."

    My favorite part of the passage: "these conversations are meaningless. They are meaningless to the sayer and they are meaningless to the hearer. They sayer believes they are heard, and the hearer believes they are never said. Men, women, dogs, and cats, these words are never heard."

    Good luck with your struggle

  4. Wow, you definitely made the right move in not meeting up with him. He sounds way too pushy. I'm glad you trusted yourself, you were definitely right. :)

  5. Wow, I love that passage from ND. I think we could all learn a thing or two from that.

    You made the right choice. The thing you need to do differently next time is steer clear of any sexually charged coversation before you're ready for that kind of intimacy. If you talk about sex, or "the kinkiest thing you've ever done," the guy is going to think that's what you're there for, and both of you will leave disappointed.

    Respect yourself, and next time let your early conversations reveal the interesting, deep- thinking, worthy of someone absolutely incredible, side of Amanda. That's when he'll desire you for the right reasons.

  6. I respect that thought Elisa, I just don't know how to not talk about sex. I try never to initiate the conversation, merely respond to it... I definitely don't think I know how to steer clear of it. LOL. I love the theory, I just don't know how to act on it. Maybe that's part of my journey...

    Thank you for your kindness... as always!

  7. I love the quote ND... thank you for sharing. It is completely true!

    And Mr. Unbreakable, I like the go home at the end of the night plan. ;)

  8. Found your blog on 20sb.
    I just had this happen to me to with several of the men I was meeting on In reaction, I got supremely comfortable with telling these guys exactly when they were crossing my boundaries. If they get pissy, they are not someone you want to waste your time on. If they respect you and back off (without coming back on to you 5 minutes later), then you should continue talking to them. You need to respect yourself before anyone respects you.

  9. Hi! I was reading your post, and I somehow felt I was reading something I should've written! In so many ways, I find it similar. The worst part of it is that I can't really write about all this, atleast not with my identity! I don't know if I can/should say this; but I'm sorta proud of you for not going!! hugs!