Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Concept of Accountability

Does anyone actually do what they say they are going to anymore? I mean, I know men are men. But there has to be some degree of... 'I told this person I would see them, so I should see them'. Doesn't there???

So for those of you curious about my Monday night endeavors... they didn't happen. What the fuck do I care, honestly... my sexual needs are completely filled ... for now. But I went on my marry way as planned. I got out of work, hurried up and got to the gym so I could get done, was ready to get home and get cleaned up for the action. But knowing him... knowing how this always plays out, I texted him at the end of my workout to make sure it was all still on schedule.

It wasn't... of course. Why would I trust him? This man has shown me nothing but a lack of accountability. He has told me I was number one on his list and continued on to prove to me I really wasn't. And yet, I'm still blind to it. Someone hang me upside down and slap the shit out of me. Why can't I see? He says he wants to see me and I move shit around because the idea of being wanted stirs me so deeply. But I'm not really... it's just a fix. He reminds me of that everytime and I can't stop opening myself up to it. It's insanity, in the purest form.

... But he's not the only one. This chess game plays over and over in a rhythmic, pre-planned attack and everytime I fall into the trap that I think so many women must fall into. Why can't I see his moves ahead of time? Why can't I see that he is luring me in? He has no intention of coaxing me into a sweet lesson to be remembered but rather this vicious cycle of regret. I get ready... and wait. Does every woman do this? Do we all just wait? Do we all sit hating ourselves for believing? Do we wallow in self-pitty that we didn't see it coming? GAH! I beat myself up! And for what? Because this piece of shit couldn't have the foresight to think of me before making intercepting plans for our evening. I should have known! And worst... to ask why or how he could forget or plan without thinking of how it would affect... makes me into a clingy bitch. Then I'm the one in the wrong. I'm the one without a life because I planned for my stupid plans!!

I went back to gym once he finally texted me back asking to reschedule. BAH!!! Reschedule???? Are you insane!?! Well... yes, I am. But I even told him I didn't think rescheduling would work. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of my anger. For once I stood on my own two and screamed softly back at him, "I will always be last on your list!" He texted back, "I understand."... he fucking understands and I know he will do it again next time.

Does anyone have a concept of accountability anymore? I curse myself for stereotyping, but why do men do this? Is this some sort of protection system? Why am I always made out to be the bad guy because someone else doesn't have enough respect? Fuck it, don't respect me... someone else will have the pleasure of my naked body against theirs! At least... until the next time he asks for me...


  1. I understand your frustration.
    I sometimes wonder if my strong loyalty to "my word" is something no one else feels.

    Whether it be a serious date or a simple, "hey let's get some coffee while you're in town," said to an old friend--what comes out of my mouth is genuine and real.
    I don't say things to flatter anyone or just to "make conversation." If I say it, I mean it. Period.

  2. I'm not sure that this is a gender issue at all, but cultural (or human, at the base level). I know that it took me several months to get into a comfortable place with my girlfriend... When I met her I got stood up, no call no show kind of "stood up," plenty. Just when I said I was done with it, she'd want me back.

    Ever get the feeling people only love you when you're leaving??