At the moment... I need to remind myself to let go. I need to remind myself I cannot control everything. I need to remember I can't fix it all at once but only take a step at a time. I feel like everything around me is a mess. I start to feel an ounce of control and happiness for living and something walks by the blackboard and all the chalk is reduced to incoherent smears and smudges of dust.
I thought I found the car I could buy. It drove so smooth. It was hot. It was clean. But turns out the $300 dollars worth of work it needed was really $1200. I sure as fuck cannot afford that. I'm running out of time as my once loving, understanding husband has turned into a snarling asshole of heat and anger. He wants "his" van. Ya know... the one we got when he wrecked my Taurus. The one we used the Geico check to fix. Fuck it, let him have the minivan piece of shit. I don't want it anyways!!
And to top things off - I'm insanely jealous. You'd think I'd learn, but I never seem to. How can I say, 'you aren't the right one for me'... and in the same breath say, 'but no one else can have you'? What type of bullshit have I trained myself to believe? I want every bit of attention and admiration I can get from him... and to give some in return, but I'm unwilling to give my heart. It seems absolutely inconceivable to me that a grown adult woman that knows how love and life works should still be having such silly thoughts. I miss him... but still I push away in fear that being too close I'll see the happiness that I am not apart of. How can I be so possessive? I hate myself for it. I consider jealousy - at least within myself - unforgivable.
So here's my thought at the moment... it's all I have. I always loved hearing this. I think maybe The Serenity Prayer should be my life motto.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. "
I'm not religious... but right now I need that strength. God's strength, whosever it is. I want everything to be at peace... I want to float away on that thought. Can I please get some serenity?