I started talking to the guy one of the strangest ways possible, but for the sake of the story all that matters is that he came from the internet. He expressed some interest and I expressed some back. We started chatting... and it has been so completely easy and comfortable. We flow from topic to topic effortlessly without those blank and akward moments of silence in between. It really is so much fun talking with him.
So clearly the next step would be to meet. I... the girl that never makes the first move, and surely does not invite guys out... asked him to hang out. We went to the park and sat by the water enjoying a sunset together. It was honestly very romantic. The weather was warm enough for short sleeves but cool enough that once the sun had passed I longed for his warm touch on my shoulders. We decided to prolong the evening and ended up eating dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Still fun, playful, and enjoyable the entire evening through. Even as he dropped me home he had me laughing my ass off as I stepped out of his car.
We chatted as soon as he got home that night and laid the evening perfectly to rest. I keep thinking to myself - this is how it should be. Completely simple and enjoyable. I had him over the very next day just to be near him more. This has not been a sexual relationship. Granted, I am me, there is shameless flirting and teasing... but we've mainly held it together. We have yet to even kiss. I think that must come from his strong desire to be respectful. If it weren't for that... I'm starting to feel like a Catholic School Girl - not the overly eager, sexy thigh highs and plaid mini skirt kind either.
I laid in his arms watching tv just enjoying being close to someone like that. It felt so good, so completely safe. I could feel his strong, sexy chest through his incredibly soft cotton shirt. I could feel the satiny smooth skin of his hands and arms as they were running up and down my sides. The whole experience was melting me inside and out. I can't even describe the amount of comfort and love I feel just from laying with a man, this man.
... But it's not all right. At this point I think it is proving itself to me. Afterall, I am extremely sexual... so to have seen eachother these few times and still not have been sexual. Clearly something inside of me is trying to say this isn't that type of relationship. I think I hate it. I hate that voice! I want to rebel! Once again I am at a place where I completely disagree with myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I've met one of the sweetest, sexiest guys in the upstate area who is actually interested in me and my body says no. What the fuck!?! Not to say I never would sleep with him. ...Because the truth is if it falls right, I would sleep with him or be intimate with him easily... but it would have to fall perfectly into place.
I have expressed my feelings to him. I told him how I think friendship is all I can offer at this point. And being his normal, sweet, respectful self he hears me. Hold the fucking books!! .. He hears me!! I feel like that alone should place my body back on the right track to intimacy... But it doesn't. Once again, I feel broken! I'm truly pissed at myself... truly.
But I still want to be near him. For two days I have fought the urge to invite him over or out. It's like I'm stuck on him. I want to be near him and flirt with him and enjoy his company. I feel minutely insane! How can I not? How can I want to flirt and tease and seduce him... but not deliver? I really feel that would be unfair of me to do to him. He says it is fair. Is he insane too? Do guys really want to be teased knowing damn well there is little chance it will ever be delivered on? Friends are wonderful... this friend is wonderful... I don't want to jeopardize this friendship. What is fair in terms of a could-have-been relationship turned just friendship?