Sunday, September 13, 2009

Being Me...

All I can ever be is me. I was born in this skin. I was born with these eyes and this smile. I walk in these shoes. And tomorrow I will wake up as that same me. I do not write to please anyone. Yes... somewhere in the back of my mind I want to be appreciated, somewhere in the back of my mind I always want to please. But the day I sat down to start writing... I sat down for me. I sat down to vent, to clear my mind, to find connections between the thousands of looming thoughts swirling in my brain. If, as a biproduct, I found a connection with others and began making someone smile, say wow, or feel even the slightest something... then it was a happy result for me.

I will not stop my blog for you. I will not stop my blog for anyone. I sat in the grass beneath the tree beside my mother and fought myself on these very thoughts. What am I afraid of? So what if people know who I am? So what if they know I've had sex? So what if they know my fears? Honestly... does any of this change who I am at the end of the day? ... No. Why then, should I let that fear rule me? ... I won't.

So... the fact that people have found me cannot be my determining factor. I am writing to be a better me. I am writing to find myself and to improve myself. Ultimately, that means I need to see even the shit I am ashamed of... whether or not you see it is of no effect. I will not give anyone the right to have power over me or my blog. My choice and my voice was stolen by abusers, rapists, and assholes. All too often... I let them take it. I'm still too afraid to fight for it, for myself, for my voice in so many instances, but this one is mine!

The final questions are... Can I find the freedom to write as I began writing with despite knowing my ex decided to pass around my blog information to his family? Can I know that there may be malicious eyes on me waiting for me to fail and still admit all my truths?

I will be the best me I can be oneday, even if today I am not. This is my voice and I will continue to write!!


  1. this is one of the reasons why i kept my blog away from the people who knows me personally... they can quote me against me with my blogs...

    i hope you can settle this one...

  2. LOVE IT! SO BLUNTLY HONEST!! Don't stop writing for no one!

    Great post!

  3. This is exactly what you should do. Keep on keeping on.

  4. Wish you good luck because your ex will make sure you're being ridiculed in one way or the other. This post shows that you've made up your mind and just keep being a strong woman. It's your life. Live it YOUR way.

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  6. hey there.. im the guy from 20sb. nice to see u here.. ;)

  7. Great work there enjay - really got to the crux of this post.

    Anyway, never give up. Never surrender. You are who you are. If people wish to try to belittle you for that then they are lesser than you and you need not consider their opinions valid.

    Or put simply; fuck 'em.

  8. now i know how jay is spamming over here... lol

    maybe he's too excited for amanda...