Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I'm not sure where I am right now. I just know I'm there alone. I know there are people all around that love me and whom I love. I know I have close friends, I have relatives, an incredible mother, and step mother. I know they are all around, but wherever I go, whenever I go... I go alone.
I go grocery shopping and I look around at all these people. They are deciding what goes in the cart, together. I miss bumping into him in the aisle. I miss cooking for more than myself. Because I'm sorry, but shit doesn't come in small enough packages for that... and when it does you have to pay extra for it. What kind of bullshit is that? I miss looking over and knowing there is someone beside me to help pick me up, dust me off, and laugh with me when I make an ass of myself.
But maybe this is all just a phantom reality. Did I really ever have those moments? Some I think I did, some I think I just dreamt up, and others I long for from what I've found on television and movies.
I'm struggling within myself to stay on this path. I feel entirely alone. So alone sometimes... I can't even stand myself. I fight the Social Anxiety Disorder. But more than that, I fight myself because I miss feeling like someone is always there with me.
I gave up my marriage, because although I loved him so deeply, I didn't feel we were the right fit. Unfrotunately, it took me a bit too long to realize that and a lot of pain for both of us, but it was an inevitable truth we would either face now... or down the line when there would be kids involved. I made the choice to have now be the time (a few months ago), but it really doesn't get easier losing my best friend. Him presenting me with divorce papers has made that even more clear to me. I regret the way things played out, for both of us. I wish I could have spared him more.
Then I had my step brother around. He is staying with me for a short while and through both of our lonelinesses we found some comfort in eachother. Memorial Day we walked alone together at the lake, kind of quiet, half talking about the places we wished we could be, and even more the people we wished we were sharing them with. Time has passed and the space between us grows and shrinks just like the events of our lives. He is still here, but we aren't sown together in the same loneliness.
Then I found my roommate. Through my childhood I had found so many friends. It was almost always one at a time. It was frantic, almost an obsession as seven year olds commonly do. Loving a common song, riding the same bus, giggling at the same dippled smiling boy. But they always were fleeting. I moved a lot and so many, many of my friendships were lost to relocation. But some were lost for other reasons, too. I don't know why I can't seem to hold onto anyone. Now her. Our friendship crashed over us like a thick downpour of rain. We both embraced the warmth and similarity we found in eachother. And, as always, it appears it might be transient. I feel I may be trying to latch on in a losing battle.
All this loneliness is not for nothing though. I do need this space. I sleep with guys but none of them stay. It is a frenzied attempt at feeling attached, I fear. I mean, don't get me wrong, sex is no doubt pleasurable. But what if all I really want is that connection, that closeness, even for a moment. I'm surely not finding it. There are a few I see incredible potential with, if I ever get to actually meet them. But I still don't believe I am ready, so I need to stand my ground. I guess, I should be thankful they barely have time for me. Thankful that I am still able to take this lesson and not latch on.
I am alone because I gave myself away far too early. Everyone says to love yourself, to enjoy yourself, be one on your own not just for another... before you can love another. I never loved me. I enjoy things, but I seem to always rush to enjoy what they enjoy first. I surely, am not one on my own. Or at least I wasn't. I am trying to be good at being me so that I can make a good us someday.
I miss my soldier so much, but this time he is deployed is possibly the best thing either of us could hope for if we ever hope to make a future. I have to learn to be happy on my own. I am trying, dearly! I paint, I dance, I sing, I workout... but I am lonely. My therapist suggests I use the relationships of loved ones to keep me grounded. I try that too, but I am definitely not one for reaching out. I think maybe my hand was slapped one too many times. But I am regrowing my strength there, as well.
I guess, I just want to know I'm doing the right thing. This loneliness is killing me in some senses and making me stronger in others. Am I doing the right thing? Why does it feel so goddamned difficult? How do I keep reminding myself to stay strong?