Monday, October 26, 2009

Fuck Or Be Fat?

I came to a place last week where I felt like all the addiction was piling up. Smothering me in a mess of all things unhealthy. I'd take one opportunity as it came, and the next, and again the next. But as much as I love the sex... the strangers, the unhealthy patterns, and the bad situations... the emotional sabotage was getting to be too great. It was more than I could afford internally.

So, I tried to stop. I made the decision to close off my sexuality. I decided I was stronger than that. I decided I could fight. I can be healthy. I decided I would stick with just one male, fuck-friend... if you will. With the exception of one hottie I've been dying to meet.

Sitting in the room with my therapist we discussed relationships. For approximately the hundreth time I mentioned my belief that although I wanted the emotional stability, the attention, and the love that comes from a relationship... I just didn't feel I was prepared to love as I believe a man deserves to be loved and treated. I say this after having walked away from the incredible man that I had as a husband. It was part of my entire rational behind separating.

... but she called me on my bullshit this time. "Why aren't you ready?", she questioned me. I smirked across the dim room, knowing exactly where she was going. "I don't know," I said, gazing out the window. ... I have been busting my ass for months focusing on who I am, where I am, where I'm going, who I want to be. If I can look inside myself and be prepared to constantly be trying to be a better me, why couldn't I love and be prepared to constantly be bettering an us? I was following the idea that I have to love myself first. But honestly... I have no idea when that love will really exist. I love things about myself. But to love as completely as I would love another... I doubt it. But I can appreciate my strengths. Maybe that is the best I can do.

So ... there I was, trying to be a one-man fuck toy. And suddenly I was consumed by hunger. A hunger I had before. There was not one goddamn thing I didn't want. Cravings fell upon me so strong. And worse of all I succumbed. My strength was gone. I talked to my therapist a very small amount about my tendency to overeat. She wondered outloud to me what vacancy within me was being filled now, that I no longer needed the food to fill.

Smack in the face ... it is right there. I have to make a choice. Do I want to overeat and be fat and have a healthy sexlife? ... Or do I want to fuck whenever physically possible and continue my journey to being the thin, healthy, physical person I want to be? Choose. Black or white. I know no gray. Fuck, I have an addiction. A true addiction. Who was I to think I could just walk away?

I walked into her office with a frown on my face. All this work... all this time... all this effort. But if you ask me what I choose... I will pick to be thin everytime!!! A compulsive overeater or a sex addict... hmmmm? Tell me you would choose different...? I don't think I have the strength to fight both. I want to be healthy. So, I decided I just have to find healthier sexual patterns to follow. But I won't go back to being fat! I won't go back!

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Ok... so obviously I suck lately! And we're not talking blowjobs! I have been seriously slacking off on writing. Shame on me! Writing is so important to me. So in all things I do... I should continue to write. Things, ideas, blog-spiration comes to me... but I never seem to find the time to write.

So we'll just call this a bad spot in my writing journey. But I just wanted to let you all know and remind myself... blogging is super important to me and it has not left me. I will find time by the end of this week to write! I promise!

I have been incredibly swamped at work, not that that is an excuse... but when I get home I am already torn between whether to sleep, relax, catch up on my DVR'ed tv shows, clean my apartment, get the halloween costume and details all set, work out, eat, be a friend, or just feed whatever addiction I find myself facing at night. In most instances... I just want to escape the computer! I'm trying to figure out where it all fits in.

In any regard... by the end of the week there will be a blog or two... maybe even three if I feel so inspired! I'm missing my blogging world and 20sb-chat friends... In my realm you will not be what I forfeit!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Trust Bashed? (continued from 'Why Did It?')

And now I know why I had that feeling it would turn into a one-night stand. I feel like someone just took the little trust I had left in males and beat the fuck out of it with an iron frying pan...

I was walking through the grocery store, minding my own business, wishing the incredible pain in my neck would go away and... I saw him. My gut impulse was to jump behind something to hide but I kept walking. The longer I looked... the more I noticed. The insanely large bag of dog food in his cart, you know, the one that resembles the size of a small to medium sized child. And it hit me... why would a soon-to-deploy soldier need so much dog food? And what's more... why would a man who doesn't have the Great Dane he dreams of having some day need it?

I instantly began to feel sick. I see him leaning over his cart to speak with someone in front of it. I peek around the aisle-end to see... her. Young, pretty, thin. I step up my pace to an extremely fast walk. If I were at the lake I'd resemeble one of those old women walking so fast her arms would look like they were reaching for the sky in an attempt to walk faster. I put my hand to the side of my face in an effort to hide. Why the fuck am I hiding??

I've done nothing wrong. I told him I didn't want to have sex. I have a very simple 'no involved men' rule. So not only did the events of last night occur despite my every hope that they not. I'm stuck in the grocery storee with a piece of shit guy who chose me to help him cheat.

Mankind is at an all-time new low. And worse, I think I let them. Now I will probably take on double the amount of cynicism and criticism when talking to new men. That way I will be treated even more like I'm a crazy bitch... just for trying to protect myself from this.

Had I been thinking, I would have walked up and said 'hello'. I should have made him uncomfortable. I should have ruined his entire world. Afterall, he is the stupid fuck that can't respect either of us enough or manage enough self-control to keep it in his pants. I'm tempted to text him... or call him. I don't know what I'd say. He has all the control. I should have stolen it in the middle of Wal-Mart.

Why do I allow them to bash my little remaining trust like this?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Why Did It?

What's your dream date he asks...

A: I don't really know. I guess I normally do whatever he wants to do.

B: I want to give you the best, so tell me what YOU want.

A: I guess dinner... followed by a walk by the lake, the chance to talk, get more comfortable with eachother... maybe head back to my place for a movie and the possibility of distraction.

B: I love it. All of it, sounds perfect for Saturday.

A: Really?

B: Yeah, except the dinner.

My heart sinks. It's all too common. Why do they ask? Why do I bother to answer? It is the same bullshit scenerio.

A: Oh... why is that?

B: My roommate's family is in town so I have plans for dinner.

I understand this. It is perfectly legit. It has nothing to do with me, it is not personal. So... I accept. We talk non-stop for the next three days leading up to our meeting. Not the... 'what is your favorite position' talks... more the 'what was your favorite subject in school' talks. It was comfortable and smooth.

But as the night draws closer on Saturday... I begin to feel it. I feel its going to be one of those. One of those 'one-night' events. I don't want that. Not one little bit am I interested in a one-night stand right now! I message him an hour before we are supposed to meet.

A: I don't think I can do this.

B: What?

A: I'm not up for a one-night stand right now.

B: I never meant for it to be that. I want to see you again when I get back from deployement.

A: You do?

B: And I want to talk to you while I'm there.

A: Really?

B: Yes. Are we still on?

A: Yeah... ok. But I don't want to have sex.

B: Ok

I let him in the door and we stand and talk in my kitchen. He's sweet, just like on the phone. Our bodies get closer... and then within a minute we're kissing. My back is slammed against the fridge... his hands are up my shirt and our tongues are dancing. Magnets fall and scatter across the floor. He reaches into my shirt and peels my bra from my flesh and we spin across the kitchen. My back is slammed against the cupboard and he's reaching behind me clammering to clear a path on the countertop. He grabs me and he lifts me up onto the counter. It's intense and note-worthy. My fingers running through his short Army-boy hair as I nibble up his neck and ear. He fumbles with my jeans, my shirt, and the height difference. In desperation, he pulls me down and pushes me into my bedroom.

This is clearly not what I had in mind. And after we were both happily fucked and laying on the couch watching a movie it hit me even harder. This will be a one-night stand. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. This is what I asked him not to have happen. But he brought a velvet sachet full of condoms and a small vibrating toy. He knew exactly what he wanted to happen. It was all perfectly planned. And went accordingly. I didn't want this to happen...

So why did it?

I pulled away from laying beside him for the remainder of the movie. I meant nothing to him. This is all just an act. The same as all the others. My time... it means nothing, my body... it means nothing, our energy... it means nothing. So, why did I let it happen?!?