Monday, October 26, 2009

Fuck Or Be Fat?

I came to a place last week where I felt like all the addiction was piling up. Smothering me in a mess of all things unhealthy. I'd take one opportunity as it came, and the next, and again the next. But as much as I love the sex... the strangers, the unhealthy patterns, and the bad situations... the emotional sabotage was getting to be too great. It was more than I could afford internally.

So, I tried to stop. I made the decision to close off my sexuality. I decided I was stronger than that. I decided I could fight. I can be healthy. I decided I would stick with just one male, fuck-friend... if you will. With the exception of one hottie I've been dying to meet.

Sitting in the room with my therapist we discussed relationships. For approximately the hundreth time I mentioned my belief that although I wanted the emotional stability, the attention, and the love that comes from a relationship... I just didn't feel I was prepared to love as I believe a man deserves to be loved and treated. I say this after having walked away from the incredible man that I had as a husband. It was part of my entire rational behind separating.

... but she called me on my bullshit this time. "Why aren't you ready?", she questioned me. I smirked across the dim room, knowing exactly where she was going. "I don't know," I said, gazing out the window. ... I have been busting my ass for months focusing on who I am, where I am, where I'm going, who I want to be. If I can look inside myself and be prepared to constantly be trying to be a better me, why couldn't I love and be prepared to constantly be bettering an us? I was following the idea that I have to love myself first. But honestly... I have no idea when that love will really exist. I love things about myself. But to love as completely as I would love another... I doubt it. But I can appreciate my strengths. Maybe that is the best I can do.

So ... there I was, trying to be a one-man fuck toy. And suddenly I was consumed by hunger. A hunger I had before. There was not one goddamn thing I didn't want. Cravings fell upon me so strong. And worse of all I succumbed. My strength was gone. I talked to my therapist a very small amount about my tendency to overeat. She wondered outloud to me what vacancy within me was being filled now, that I no longer needed the food to fill.

Smack in the face ... it is right there. I have to make a choice. Do I want to overeat and be fat and have a healthy sexlife? ... Or do I want to fuck whenever physically possible and continue my journey to being the thin, healthy, physical person I want to be? Choose. Black or white. I know no gray. Fuck, I have an addiction. A true addiction. Who was I to think I could just walk away?

I walked into her office with a frown on my face. All this work... all this time... all this effort. But if you ask me what I choose... I will pick to be thin everytime!!! A compulsive overeater or a sex addict... hmmmm? Tell me you would choose different...? I don't think I have the strength to fight both. I want to be healthy. So, I decided I just have to find healthier sexual patterns to follow. But I won't go back to being fat! I won't go back!


  1. Wow. That's an interesting problem I have to say.
    I can't imagine myself as the man eating person because I never have been, so I couldn't really give my take on it. Interesting nontheless.

  2. I can relate to what you're going through. You are emotional eater ain't ya? When I'm hungry I don't think about the consequences and it's only after I've swallowed tons of junk then it hit me. My main objective is to lose weight.

    I'd suggest you focus on your weight issues. Because when you'll feel comfortable with and love yourself then only you will find happiness elsewhere.

    Well that's my take. I started gym last week so that I feel good in my skin. My hubby doesn't have a problem with my weight but I do.

    Good luck girl!

  3. I'm an emotional eater too - although I have to say that if I'm completely honest I'd rather be the thin sex addict - but I also recognize that the grass is always greener on the other side. (i also recognize that although I hate cliches, i use them a lot)
    I'm with PT though - I'd tackle the image/body issues because at the end of the day, that will help your other addiction. If you can truly feel better about yourself, then naturally you will stop being a "maneater" because you have to believe you deserve better in order to get better.

    Good Luck.