Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wash Away?

I'm normally one who prefers cold. I get hot very easily and normally, quickly thereafter I become physically ill with dizziness and nausea. But last night I accepted the heat. I stood in the shower and let the scalding hot water pour over me as I heaped against the wall sobbing. Every few moments I would reach down and inch the hot a little further towards the door. Each time it ached a little more, but not enough. I just couldn't make it hot enough... even standing there for an hour, it didn't wash away.

I wanted it to wash this fucking virus away or... wash me away. I don't care which. I feel sick and numb with hatred of this disgusting thing I have inside of me. I am already broken because I have sexual addiction, but now I am a sex addict coping with HPV. You read the same line everywhere, 'tell him, and if he is a good guy, he will stay'. ... I wouldn't. If I knew fucking a man could lead me to have cancer... I would walk away! How can I blame anyone who would feel this way? And when it comes to a one-night stand, do you think he really cares who the hell I am? I don't. I just want to be free of these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. It comes down to a simple mathmatical equation for me.

If I determine my self-worth by how much men want to fuck me, and I am no longer fuckable since I am the sexual equivalent of a leper. Then, I am led to believe I am nothing. And I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Someone tell me how this can ever feel okay or how I am supposed to walk away from this situation without shame. No matter how many other women in the world have this, no matter how absurdly, grossly common this is, it will not change how disgusting I feel I am for it.

I experienced the first instance of this last night and it shattered me. I don't believe seeing my illusion of self-worth through someone else's sexual desires is the way I should be living, thus everything I am working on, for, and towards... but it does not change who I am in this moment. In this moment I need to be wanted to feel like I have a reason to be. Without that want... I am nothing... so why can't I just wash away? I can't make a conscious decision to end things, but if the water would do it for me... that would be ok.


  1. Sometimes when there are habits or addictions that we cannot terminate via our own Self-Will, alternate means are developed to assist us. I'm sure that it's difficult for you to look at your situation as even the least bit positive, but if you give it some contemplation, you may begin to see a broader picture.

    You've expressed a desire to end, or at least to control a certain aspect of your Life. You have been unable to do so, so far. Now, you have been given "assistance" from an Outside Source, in the form of this virus. Not fatal, but something that will now give you pause to think before your next sexual encounter(s). This qualifies as assistance.

    The Universe works in a methodical way. Our Desires are always answered, no matter what they are. The Answer may not come in the form that we expect, but it will still be an Answer.

    You are a beautiful, sensitive person. Give yourself a chance to be the Butterfly that you are Becoming. You take these lemons and make yourself one helluva pitcher of lemonade.

    All Love,

    - G

    P.S.: I wish that I could give you a hug of support. A cyber-hug will have to do.

  2. I've seen that positive too Brother Gee. I don't know that I believe in my own strength to control despite the obviouls need. Maybe one day I can see it as openly as you do... I hope to. Because at some point, I will have to be happy as I am, even with this virus.

    Thank you for the love and support. It does mean a lot right now, even via cyber-world.

  3. Dear Don;t end is beautiful...u r quite sensitive person.....just be calm in u r life everything will be the Almighty

  4. Just dropping a line to let you know that I have been thinking of you (as are others, I'm sure). Here's hoping that you are in a peaceful place. Sending helpful energies your way...


    ~ G

  5. Thank you... both, I am here. Just very very busy. Had to take a fourth job to afford life since some are not holding up to their responsibilities and it falls back on me. I'll post soon. ;)