Thursday, March 25, 2010
Standing in the shower I feel warm water trickle down my sides and saturate me. It is warm, soothing, and enticing, as water normally is. I push back my hair and feel it grow wet and heavy with water. I close my eyes and when thoughts of feeling loved, comfy, sexy, and warm would normally fill my mind... I am filled with doubt and confusion.
Maybe to the rest of the world this makes absolutely no fucking sense. But to me... it is unshakable. Because from the beginning he wanted to be there, from the beginning he loved it too. A steady flow of interest has been dissipating when it comes to the shower. The shower... where I feel my most sexy, where I have always found the most intimacy and as such, have never shared with anyone I didn't love.
That's right... me... of all fucking people. I actually kept one piece of me sacred. Here it is feeling ignored ... and with the person I feel the most sacred with none-the-less. It hurts.
First, he came in a few minutes after I started. To give time for the water to warm up. A valid reason. ... but the time grew longer and longer. The water that needed three minutes to warm was given five, and then seven, and then nine, and now fifteen or twenty, maybe he doesn't even show up at all. Now... this may same menial and completely like an over reaction. But for so many reasons this upsets me.
Maybe I wanted to make love to him... and this has taken away the few extra minutes we had before we needed to both have our faces buried in pillows, snoring. We are out of time, and for what? This feels like not only a disaffection from me but also like a denial of my sexual interest. The voice that is so quiet when it lets interest escape feels somehow silenced even more.
What's more, I asked... "are you going to join me?" I received playful taunts and innuendo of interst. Nothing to make me believe I would be showering alone. Nothing to tell me not to wait up. Nothing to change my expectation. So I stand there waiting, wondering, growing sad, confused, and feeling rejected. If there was no reason not to be there... why not be there? Clearly, despite this feeling so important to me it isn't as important to him.
Lastly... just as you would call off a date, or let them know if you were going to be late... why wouldn't you show this the same courtesy. Someone is waiting on you. Someone is expecting you. Someone is longing for you ... and you leave them hanging. No one likes to be let down. They say... keep your expectations low so you will not be let down. I guess my expectation of waiting and wanting to be joined is too grand.
And he is upset. For what? Because I want him there? Because it makes me sad when he doesn't come? Because I react and show my feelings? I do not demand a specific deadline. All I ask is that if you don't plan to join me, let me know. Hmmm... it is interesting what one needs and wants in comparison to another.
No good morning and no goodbye ice this cake. It is cold, as am I. Hurt for wanting too much ... what else is new?