I think about his fun weekend. ... or at least un-miserable weekend.
I think about how he tells me he had to let me walk out and not follow me so that I could see that my actions needed to stop. And yet everything he did this weekend were actions of a single man, or at least not one in this relationship.
I think I fucked up.
I think I learned my lesson and I wish he would have told me he couldn't take it anymore before we had to spend a weekend apart.
I think about how he thought we were so over, despite telling me it was just a chance to show me my wrong, that he cancelled our already made plans and changed passwords.
I think... how could that be just a test?
I think he wants out.
I think why did he read all my emails. ...My old emails from before him, when I was facing such a strong pull toward my very unhealthy sexual addiction.
I think... how can he tell me, "reading someone's past emails gives you a feel for who they really are."?
I think how badly I messed up.
I think how much I wish I could take back my walking out.
I think he wants it to be over and he is begging me for a reason.
I think... why has he made steadily less and less time to talk to me while we're at work?
I think... I thought I knew him. I thought I could trust him. I didn't think I would ever need to change my passwords. I didn't think he would trust me so little that he'd change his passwords to protect himself.
I think, I may have walked out the door... but I never turned my back on us. Because I spent the weekend missing, wanting, begging for us. And he spent it thinking about anything else under the sun.
I think my trust is broken.
I think I don't know how to tell him how hurt I am because every time I try he tells me why my thoughts are manipulating his actions. How he can't be free and has to constantly control himself for me.
I think how could wanting to hear my boyfriend to tell me I'm beautiful be such a horrible desire. How could it be bad to need him to tell me he wants me and loves me?
I think... how am I in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to make me feel better? When did it change?
I think how could it be bad for him to give me one tiny shred of a thought that this weekend was flawed for him.
I think he came back with a million reasons why I seem to be holding him back.
I think, again, he wants out.
I think how could he not take me to my doctors appointment. The appointment I cry and shake through. How could he cancel on that? He wanted to protect me before. I cried and shook through it alone.
I think why doesn't he want to go to lunch with me anymore? Of course there are things to do and of course he wants to be healthy... but before, the thought of not having that time with me made him sad and longing. It doesn't anymore.
I think he changed his mind.
I think when he told me he would always be the way he is right now (when we first met)... he might not really know himself at all.
I think I fucked up.
I think it's over. And definitely not because I want it to be... but I fucked up so bad!
... And I think he's done.