Monday, June 21, 2010
Oh my god... I hate myself so much!!! I need too much! I want to turn it off like a switch, a switch I am so sick of dragging around behind me, on top of me, covering me, smothering me.
The idea of time apart makes me sick. Makes my stomache churn, my body shiver, my heart pound, my throat soar, and my eyes well up. For him... nothing? For him... it is of no effect. For him... it is of no consequence. I thought I had found someone who wanted to be as wrapped up in me as I wanted to be wrapped up in him. But, I fear I was wrong... and now it is just an imbalance that I have to learn to live with. Learn to change myself... to not feel, need, or want.
Am I in too deep? I feel so deep and when it is good, I shine. When it is bad, I break and bleed. This thought has me wishing for a bridge, a really high bridge. I wonder if this love transferred over into an addiction and I missed it. I wonder if I feel something that isn't real. ... Artificially creating the world I need to feel safe, even if just for a moment. Wanting something I will never truly have. Wanting to be wanted and needed the way I want and need.
It comes in the beginning of a relationship. That false sense of perfection. For them it fades... but for me, it never goes away. My fucked up head won't let go. Won't let anything go!
I hate my mind, I hate my thoughts, I hate my tears, and I hate my feelings. Not one piece of me feels right. This is what I felt that night. There is no absolution. Just more pain.
I hate me! If only I didn't have to feel it all. I hate feeling.