Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Our relationship has started over in a way. It is a whole new beginning... sad in some ways, happy in others. It is like starting over with fresh eyes and planning to be stronger and smarter. Knowing each other's weaknesses and strengths we have more to grow on.
I am scared in a hundred new ways. And my sense of his devotion and love for me is blurred almost beyond recognition. When we started... it was with a bang. He fought for me, fought to have me. I felt so special, loved, desired, wanted, and needed. I feel the love coming back day by day, litte by little. There are glimmers of moments when I feel wanted. But to feel special, desired, or needed... I wonder if those feelings will ever come back. And I wonder if I could survive intact without them.
I feel as though I am begging him to want me. I feel as though I am fighting for him. I understand he needs to see some of this. I walked out repeatedly because of my own fears and emotional methodic instabilities. He needs to know I won't do that. He needs to know that I love him to the ends of the earth. He needs to see that I believe in him more than anyone ever will. I have to give him back the faith in me and us. But first, he has to see that I am who I have always been. There are no head games and there never will be. I am not the type to play petty games. I am real, as is my love for him!
In giving him what he needs I begin to wonder if I am forfeiting some piece of myself. I know I have needs. He is holding back in fear and doubt, but will he ever be the man I first met, again? Will he come back to being the supportive, giving man he was from the day we met. It's funny to me... he said repeatedly, "I show who I really am from the beginning so that you won't be confused about who I am later". I am confused... very confused. The entire definition of who we are has evolved.
I'd say I have been me from the beginning. I've been scared, overly honest, emotional, somewhat irrational, highly sexual and extremely passionate. I am still that person. The only difference is that I am trying to manage my ill-timed panic attacks and careless temper. Trying to be the person I really want to be, with the man I want to be it with.
I want to make love to him more than ever. This seal that I have only felt with him. There has not been one man in my life that has made me feel the way I feel when my naked body is pressed against his. I love feeling him, seeing him, seeing his reactions, seeing him see me, hearing him... all of it has made this perfect connection I have never felt before. A connection sweet, powerful, and meaningful enough to be classified as 'making love'. A feat I could never make happen with my husband.
I'm afraid to need anything and I find myself trying to give everything. I don't know where the balance is... I guess that is why relationships are so much work. A balance of two.
I want to be his number one. I hope that I am not rebuilding to be number two or three on his list. I was hurt by my father who told me I would never come first to him when I was eleven. And hurt by my mother who proved I was not her number one by staying in an abusive home for years. I fear I will not be his. I've never been anyone's number one. Maybe I never will. But for now... I am just rebuilding... praying we make that beautiful castle I long for. I hope he still wants that too.