Monday, June 21, 2010

When Will I Learn?

I find myself in a mess of emotion and confusion, once again. It is the little things, the in between things, and the say it like you mean it moments.

I'm lost somewhere between... I know this is what I need to be happy and this is what he is willing to give to make me happy. In between, I have to figure out what is worth fighting for. I have to figure out what I am willing to do without and what I can learn to provide for myself. It is so hard. What seems to me like such a simple fulfillable request... it has become comparable to pulling teeth. And I don't want to pull anyone's teeth.

He still hasn't said he is happy to be with me
since the mess. He seems to be able to love me and such, to hold my hand if I reach out first, to tell me he loves me too, when I offer. But... to get to that place where he can say it on his own, I don't know what it will take. I feel I'm trying to be patient but really I think he just doesn't want to ever say it again. It seems he can't say, "you make me happy", "I love having you in my life", "my life would suck without you", or "I am lucky to have you"... or any combination or concoction of these ideas.

Asking to hear these things I feel like I am asking him to die for me, to drink poison for me, or to step in front of a loaded gun. If it is really that hard... ... ...then what am I supposed to believe?

I find myself looking at him, just caught in a moment enjoying him. I find myself smiling just because he is beside me. I am happy to have him in my life. I sit and think about all the ways he makes my life great... the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, the incredible love-making... it goes on. The more I do this... the more I wonder if he ever sees me like this. Does he ever get caught being so happy that we are together? Do I complete him this way?

He makes a lot of playful insults. I know this is merely male-banter but it can be hard for me. I try to take it in stride. I try to smile and shake it off. It is a lot harder to play this role when I don't hear the good things counter-acting the jokes. It's like only hearing the negative and being asked to infer the positive... and from someone who does not appreciate inrerences no less. What should I believe?

I gave him a Father's Day card and it became a battle. I merely thought of him, his love and devotion as a father and knowing his fifteen year old definitely would not say it or think to get a card, I wanted him to know he is special. I handed it to him and he placed it off to the side and continued watching t.v. I mentioned he should open it and not just put it to the side. He picked it up and continued to not open it for another five minutes. I walked away. As always... as a man... he walked up to me later without a single thought of how that might have felt for me.

I relate this to him buying me flowers on a random day. What if he were to hand them to me and I just put them down beside me without a second glance. Not a sniff, not a smile, not a glimmer of pleasure or appreciation. How could that not hurt??

I told him it hurt me. He made me feel like the bad guy, because I expected him to open his card. I felt so sad. I cannot buy him a fancy watch, a sportscar, nascar tickets, or a cruise down the Caribbean. But can't I still say you are special in little ways? He told me I didn't need to do it. Related it to his family... that spouses do not get their lovers Father's Day cards. How do I answer that? ..."I'm sorry I appreciated you and wanted to give you a card... and in return I expected that you'd actually want to open it and perhaps say thank you for it."

I use to feel like my passion for life and those around me was something to feel good and proud about. Something that made me unique and special. But, unfortunately... with passion for happy and good things, comes passion for many things, including the bad. I wish I had selective passion. I wish I knew how to tame and control my emotions to the convenient, tolerable moments. I can't seem to learn.

I went to the shower and cried that one out. I can't make him understand. I just wanted to show him some appreciation and again it turns into a battle about me being too demanding and overly needy. Like many other times in my life... I fall under the belief that I just won't ever be good enough. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know that I ever will. I wish I could learn... when will I ever learn?

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