It's hard to know what to do. I feel like the relationship that started in December is gone, gone far, possibly never coming back. I don't know what to do...
I fell madly in love with this man. I fell madly in love with our connection. I fell in love with everything about 'us'.
I fear the new 'us' does not include me...
I fear my feelings, so hard I want to numb myself to the bone with antidepressants. I am afraid to say when I have them. Fear they are not justified in his eyes... fear he will disregard or ignore them... fear he will just tell me I'm wrong. I live with this fear so often.
This fear has become similar to the abuse from my step-father. I never know when it will be safe, when it will be angered, when I will feel beaten down for simply being me.
I love him... so completely! I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. He always tells me it is not a matter of wrong or right, but somehow it always comes back to me apologizing, my backing down, my feeling as though I am constantly wrong. I question every glimmer of emotion that flutters through my veins. And when I let it out I am reserved and controlled so I keep him closer than my own feelings. This relationship that built me up so high and made me feel so full is throwing me back to the ground.
I like who he is, how he makes me laugh, all the fun we have together, the incredible sex... but I miss the emotional side of him. Our incredible connection!! He is here but he is emotionally unavailable, refusing to show a single vulnerability. It's an empty relationship, a shell of actions that simulate an emotional bond. But how can there be a bond when one person is so empty or afraid to let his feelings out?
I miss the man that cared so deeply about how I felt. I miss the man that wanted to carry every grocery bag and would slap my hand if I tried to help. The one that nearly single-handedly moved me just two short-days after meeting me. I miss the man that fought for me... to have me, to protect me, to make sure I knew I always deserved better. I miss the man that would look at me over and over as we were driving down the road just to see if I was still real. I miss the man that would smile just because I would and the man that would kiss my hand for no reason other than that he felt so much love for me, he had to let it out and wanted to show it. I miss the man that caressed my body for hours... touching and kissing and loving every inch of me until we were both in a helpless, hot, sticky puddle of lust. I miss the man that didn't want to spend time away from me, because I was too special that he'd miss me too much, so instead he'd just take me along to anything he wanted to do. I miss the man that wanted to make me feel better if I got scared or felt insecure, that would stop at nothing to ensure my happiness, as I would his. He was so perfect!! We were a perfect fit for one-another!
I fell in love with his intelligence, curiosity, passion, love, friendship, honesty, integrity, and chivalry. And now... I have a friend, a friend I love spending time with. But the emotional side of me is drowning... little by little... begging him to come back to me. Asking, when can I be forgiven so we can go back to being 'us'?
I'm lost between having this man I love so much and having the fulfilling relationship I need and want. I am begging for these two pieces to re-unite. This is the man I want! This is the man I want to share my life with!
But I can't share it this way. And I can't handle this much longer...
I know I need to make changes in my reactions and occasional over-reactions but I can't do it to the point where I forfeit myself. I have to be true to my heart. I am trying so hard to be a better me and I need him to give in and love and trust the new me, as I am!
As we were on a beautiful, wonderful vacation together, I had to find time to cry to myself, by myself. In bathrooms, in showers, and around corners. I'm living in fear of myself, my emotions, and the thought of losing him. ... And I'm breaking.
He only tells me I'm pretty through innuendos of sex. The whole trip... the only time he really showed interest in me was to bend me over and begin fucking me. It is no longer making love. I don't know what this is... it feels empty and I have to choke back tears at this loss. It's so much to lose... it's too much!
I'm breaking. How do I choose? How could I choose? I don't know how to choose... and I don't want to!! I want him and I want 'us'!