Monday, September 20, 2010


I don’t know where I am. I feel like I am drowning. And worse yet, I know I am and I can’t do anything to stop it. I flail, scream, kick, and cry… and still I sink deeper. I fight to be stronger… and the new muscle weighs me down even more.

I feel so alone. Surrounded by actions, by people, and by words… but I am still alone. I try to grab his hand and continually fall flat. His hands are slippery, busy, and unattainable. Maybe he does not want to be attained and more often he does not want to offer a hand. I want his love so much, I dare to open my mouth and scream… even though it puts me at greater risk for swallowing more water, drowning.

I met a man that was strong, smart, honest, loyal, loving, devoted, giving, secure, and compassionate… just as compassionate as I am. Speaking of … “do unto others…” He no longer does. It is now a reflection all about ‘me’. “I have to be me”… “I have feelings too”... I want him to feel, I want him to be happy. But how can I make this happen when he will no longer let me in?

I feel like, for once, I opened my eyes and I saw the most beautiful sunset the world could ever create. The symmetry, the colors, the brightness, the waves crashing into it… it had me melting. But I opened my eyes just in time to see a blink of it and in that moment I lost my eye-sight. Now I see nothing. Now I am alone. All I have is the remnants of the sun’s original warmth and the passing essence of light. I’ve lost the very thing I would have waited an eternity to see.

Working so hard to be me. Working so hard to be strong. Working so hard to be a better human being. I am doing so well. Each day I find new insights-I learn and adapt from them. I am pleased to be in a place in my life where I finally feel like I could get better. I finally feel like I could be stronger than the sum of my misfortunes.

But am I losing him … I feel as though I have already lost.

I cry myself to sleep night after night. I discolor my pillow in mascara-stained tears. I take a sleeping pill and pray my head will go silent. All my fears, thoughts, judgments should be hushed by its strength. I want to breathe him. I want to feel all of that love that was once there. Instead I am held at some unreal boundary … unable to step forward …and in fear of that step because the next foot may have no floor. I cry for his hand. I cry to feel that wholeness we shared in the beginning.

When he stepped away… he said I was replaceable. He said he could go on without me. He proved to all of us, including himself… that he can go on without me. He walks away with ease each time. How is one to feel loved, honored, desired in light of this?

I don’t.

The touch takes so much effort. And when I thank him for it; he says… well you were good yesterday. I feel I am being punished. I feel I am being trained and controlled. I will let him control me so long as I can have him completely. But, if I am so replaceable, what is the point?

With each fight of distance he proves how easy it is for him to walk away. How can a person ever feel safe in a relationship like this? And even more, stay strong enough to make them feel safe in it? My heart is so broken. We were so in love… in love within days… in love so completely, both of us… not just me. Now, I feel like it is just me.

He made me feel like an amazing, smart, honest, lovable, beautiful, pure goodness. Now I just feel broken, tarnished, molded and generally like trash. He kissed me, he looked at me, he saw me, he held me. With nothing else around he would just look at me and see. And love me still. He saw me and wanted me, despite me flaws, despite my imperfections. He made me feel like I would always be good enough for him.

I made a mistake in trusting him. Trusting us. Believing in us. Fighting for us.

It has been an unmentionable number of months since I really felt him. Felt him love me completely, honestly, with every ounce of himself. He wants me to see value in his every effort. There is value, tremendous value… but for how long am I supposed to say thank you when what I really need to say is … please love me.

… Months since he called me beautiful, I am supposed to be patient and wait. Meanwhile all I can see is how disgusting I am. I am ashamed of myself. Terrified that it is so hard to say because he doesn’t really believe it. Otherwise… why would it take so long? Why would it be so hard? I am starting to wonder what others would think of me. They called me beautiful and sexy over and over. I felt it. I felt like I might be. But now… I am starving to hear it.

… Months since he looked me in the eyes and said he wanted to make love to me. I hold my breath praying he will want me. I wish he would take me, take my hand, kiss me, run his hands all over my skin and cherish me. I ask. Now he just touches me because I asked, not because he actually wanted to. He does not see me and wish to take my clothes off. His erection is a whim, not actually inspired or signifying desire. Why? Again, I am disgusted with myself. I shower over and over … scraping angrily at my skin… wishing it felt more touchable. I don’t want anyone else’s hands… but I am starving.

… Months since I have caught him looking at me lovingly. I feel worthless to look at. I never believed I would think of myself as worth looking at. But they thought I was. That was all that mattered. I feel stone-cold and neglected. He says he looks, sees me, and finds himself loving. Somehow I never see this? Before I saw it all the time. I felt his eyes, the warmth of his kiss, his hands. I felt his love. Now I feel so little. The little I get, I must beg for… and I am starving for more.

Everything has a reason. Every time there is a reason why I can’t have it. There is a reason why he is not willing to give it. There is a reason why his time is no longer available. When is it enough? When do I stop hoping he will come back to loving me, honestly, fully, whole-heartedly? Do I give up? Or Do I fight harder?

What I had is worth fighting for…

We went to lunch and talked. I felt heard and loved. Every day he made time to see me, to love me, to be with me. He surprised me and treasured me unexpectedly. Then he ran out of time. I would have to be happy with internet time. We talked for hours. We always had something to say, we would not run out of words. Then he doesn’t have internet time… I must suffer with a few text messages. Sweet nothings, reminding me he is thinking of me. Lastly, there is no time for that. I am barely a part of this world. I wanted to be a part of this world. Slowly he is pushing me out. And the only explanation is that I am asking too much, unreasonably from him. All these changes… I am supposed to be okay, I am supposed to be understanding, I am supposed to love what I can have and say thank you… even when I am starving. I must ignore my tummy’s grumblings… and thank him for trying so that he might be willing to give more again, someday.

And yet every time I try… it’s never enough. It’s never enough thank yous to get the more. This perfect relationship is no longer perfect. This incredible man has seemingly lost all interest. This loving man has vanished. I have to thank the man I have left for caring enough to stay behind. I’m crying. I’m alone.

I am starving. I do not want to be hungry any more. How can I fulfill this hunger? How can I stop feeling so empty? How can I continue to say thank you just to be rewarded, even if I’m still hungry. I don’t want a treat. I want him. I want his love.