Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Choice

Since my last post, there has been a storm and it seems my life has turned completely up-side-down. So much so, that I'm not even sure I know what to write. But I feel I must write something because I am feeling so many things and I need to update the status of all things confucius.

Ex did a complete 180. Everything I had succumbed to knowing about him changed, again. The man I decided to let go of 15 months ago suddenly popped back into my life. He decided he didn't want to be without me and he did not want to share me. He decided his standards and inescapable desire for perfection were a bit off whack and all he really wanted was me.

I loved this man for nearly two years... how could I walk away from this opportunity? Maybe I am fucking nuts. Because Doc was/is amazing. He is the type of man any woman would (should) feel very blessed to have. So here I am faced with walking away from a beautiful idea of love, trust, and commitment to figure out if what I had is still what I want.

My heart twisted and pounded to the point where I thought my throat might burst. But I had to do what I know how to do - communicate and process. I went to my best friend, my mother. I told her all of what I saw in them. The thousands of fears facing me to go back to ex. The hundreds of hypothetical dreams in front of me with Doc.

I talked to ex for hours on the phone. I listened to his voice... the voice I fell in love with. I heard it crack, drop, and whisper so many things I had been waiting and wanting to hear. And then I knew... I wasn't over him. The thought of having this man back? This funny, beautiful, sweet, sexy, smart, and loving man back. I wanted him. Maybe I am one thousand times wrong but this is where my heart is, unless he breaks it again.

And then the jagged rock dropped to the pit of my stomach... I had to tell Doc. I had to tell this perfectly innocent, pure, and love-inspiring man that I was leaving him. Leaving him for what? ... a glance at my past? ... a hopeful dream? ... a theoretical man that let me down because it was easier?

Fuck - more than anything in the world I did not want to tell him. I wanted to just hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him how amazing he is. ... But none of that would change what I feel for ex. None of that would suddenly make my heart stop longing or my tummy stop aching for ex.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

You meet the sweetest child at the orphanage and somehow after filling out all the paperwork, praying, holding each other close, painting walls, and dreaming... the reality breaks and someone tells you it's just not going to happen. Can you imagine the hurt that child must feel? My heart aches for him and the pain I've caused.

I'm not sure whether I border on stupidity or insanity. But I love ex, we will now call him Blue Eyes. And as much as I may love Doc, it just wasn't the same, yet.

For that I feel condemned. I feel hated and washed out. I feel like I played an evil trick and even though I saw the humor at one point, now all I see is the pain and wreckage. I fucking hate myself for this.

Maybe I wasn't ready to move on... and now Doc is paying for my mistake. I think I just break him further the more I try to help ease the blow. It feels like a failure. I am trying hard to do right by him, trying to do right by everyone around me, but in the end - I have to do what is right by me! I have to live with my choice. I feel I did what was right for me, at this time. Maybe if it were a few months down the road and I had seen all of what Doc was offering would remain a reality... I would have stayed. But it isn't months down the road and people change in the blink of an eye.

I love Blue Eyes and unless I break myself of him (which I haven't)... I cannot be true to another. I feel those around me mocking my decision. But with everyday I fall closer to him. He is the man I fell in love with over a year ago. He holds me, touches me, inspires me, and talks to me the way we always wanted him to. He wanted this too, he just didn't know how. Together we will figure that out. I just wish I didn't feel so hated for making a choice ... I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to be the best me I can be... I hope you understand.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Justifiable Pain?

Although I had broken things off with ex a few months ago and he had moved out... we still clearly had a connection. Maybe you could classify it as a booty call. But we did other things together and liked it and in general enjoyed each others presence when it was offered.

Today I had to break the news about Doc's existence. I didn't want to chance any overlap in these relationships. Friends or more... they both deserve honesty and fairness.

It ripped through me like a jagged and dull dagger. I had placed so much of myself with him. He has helped me to want to learn and grow more as a person. Thus, the past year has been full of amazing growth. I am proud to be the person I am today. I may not like me everyday, but I'm tolerable most days.

I texted "... I met someone...".

He said he knew, from the way I had been acting and how I was suddenly quite preoccupied. He said how hurt he felt. This man that has chosen a route of silence and occasional ridicule as his versions of communication. The whole thing flashed before my eyes... and I broke.

It is so hard letting go of a piece of yourself, a piece of your life. Moving forward with some degree of disregard. This is in no way easy. But it is necessary. It is vital to my relationship with Doc and to my relationship with myself.

I have to be a person I am willing to lay down with every night for the rest of my life. I have to be the person I wake up to. And knowing that I was honest, fair, and respectful to both of them... that makes being me just a little easier.

But in this moment it does not feel easy. In this moment I feel sad. I feel so let down by him. So let down by myself for not being strong enough - because he clearly loves me, just as I've loved him. I feel frustrated with love, relationships, and life in general.

Hurting, however, does not mean I'm doing something wrong. I think so often we believe life should be painless. But pain teaches us so many unimaginable things that we might never have considered before its presence. Pain reminds us life is both good and hard. Pain reminds us to be thankful for who and what we have. Pain reminds me of my growth and continued potential for more.

Ugh - if only the reminders some how made the pain feel worthy or justified...? Does such a thing exist?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Intertwined Enough??

Today I'm captivated by the thought of Doc. I told him that I wouldn't blog about him... but he just won't leave my thoughts.

His sweet smile, his soft skin, the way his hands caress me, the way his smooth voice comforts me, the delicate warmth of his breath, and the profound allure of his tender lips. It is all driving me mad. I laid in bed with him last night... we repeated the act of talking and making love over and over for hours.

We wrap around each other and form puddles. Neither of us dares to let go. His skin ignites me in unforgettable ways. The way he moves like he's known my body for years... and loved me all the while. God, I melt. It is all so soft, so sexy, and so terrifying.

I feel myself letting go of all restraint. Not that I want to be restrained, but society is telling me I should. Society tells me things this good don't happen. Fuck - history tells me, too! I fear trusting him, this, and myself. But it feels so unimaginably good I don't even want to hold back.

The guilt pours into me. Because from everywhere around me I hear to take it slow. I hear I move too fast. I hear I fall too hard. I want not to let that all down but all I want to be... is wrapped up in him.

The rest of my day is full of longing. The way he fills me, in every way. I want nothing else. All I can think about is him... the thought of not seeing him tonight... the fact the he works just across the road. I want to go to him. I want to touch him and be touched by him. Fuck distance - how did I live the last 26 years of my life without him?

I don't want to tell anyone else because I don't want to hear the criticism and judgements. I just want him. I just want to enjoy him. Forget reality. I lose all sight of safety, because to me... he is the only safety I need. I know this is dangerous, I fear I will resent myself for it later. But right now I am blind.

Why do I choose this blindness? If I didn't take on this blind faith I wouldn't get hurt so much... but I also wouldn't love so completely and feel so full. I fear these words sound like those I wrote about ex two years ago. I don't want to be naive, again. But the only way not to be, is not a way I am willing to sacrifice.

I don't know if I can be intertwined enough with him. Because the more I have, the more I want. The deeper I feel him, the more I press onto him. I don't know that I could ever touch or be touched by him enough to feel like it is too much. Fuck... I want him deeper, harder, and more than ever!!

Monday, August 22, 2011


I was feeling reasonably confident in my ability to stand strong. I guess I have faltered in my confidence.

It has been a few months since I ended things with my ex. But I never cut him off 100%. I didn't even want to. It was safe. Yeah, he was an ass at times, but I knew he was clean and he knows my body just as I know his. So we were periodically sleeping together. I know this isn't optimal, but it seemed to be working out well enough.

Now, I've started seeing someone new, a friend... a desireable friend. Someone who feels so safe, so comfortable. I'm afraid to pour myself in all the way, but I'm quite certain I will anyways. This is how I felt with my ex in the beginning. When we first met, he dazzled me. Who is to say it is not going to be more of the same? What if it is just another too-good-to-be-true scenario?

I want to take my time, I want to feel safe, and I want to trust men, him. Suddenly my mind is stretched to all limits. I'm not interested in stringing along two men. So I need to figure out how to let my ex go, completely.

I want to be his friend. I want to laugh with him. ... I think. Or do I just want an excuse to not let go because it is too scary? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I thought it all made sense. I thought I was ready to let go. ... no, I just wanted to be ready to let go. My feelings are all so far away I have to stretch to reach them, to understand them. I'm barely understanding them or me.

Now, I feel adamant I need to let go. I need to tell him the sexual escapades are over. I'm fine with seeing him if he can respect my boundaries. But what is the pleasure in that? I feel like everything I say is an excuse, some cross between my theoretical reality and desired reality. I'm stretched so thin emotionally I can't even figure out what is true.

My new guy - we'll call him Doc - he feels amazing. Amazing in more ways than I could have ever imagined. When we began I just thought it was plutonic. But the more time I've spent with him the more I've found myself desiring him. Now I'm to the point where I don't like being without him.

What if he begins to see me the way ex did? What if he realizes I'm not nearly as spectacular as he seems to believe? I'd become completely replacable... as I am to ex now. Or, at least I was last week... because now ex is asking for more of my time. Suddenly ex wants to pretend to be interested. I'm being pulled in directions and ways I do not understand... internally and externally.

I just want this to be easy. I just want to feel responsible for my own emotions. I want to feel strong and knowledgable that making my choice is based upon cognitive comprehension, not heart-drawn appeals. Does it ever get that easy for anyone? Can others just turn pieces of themselves off and just listen to the smart parts?

Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. Or maybe I'm not asking nearly enough. Both of these men deserve honesty, love, and respect. I'm comfortable enough with myself now and I know myself well enough now, to know that I won't be anything less than respectful to either of them. But fuck, really? Does everything always have to feel so twisted, stretched, and confusing?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Back to the Drawing Board

Here I am... approximately 20 months down the road from what I thought was the love of my life. That journey ended about three months ago. I just couldn't take the mountains and valleys of life living with a man that had no touch with his emotions... or any one's for that matter.

It's not that I want some unattainable, godly creation that only Katherine Heigl is worthy of. I don't need the sexiest man alive. I don't need the richest. I don't need the smartest. In fact, it's not about a state of being at all. It's about feeling... his ability to communicate with me so I feel him always there, the trust I feel for him the second he looks me in the eyes, the lust I feel just walking past him, the tingle I feel shoot up my spine when he touches me.

Back to the dating sites, back to the drawing boards. I feel saddened. I didn't want to do it this way again. I wanted to just know him or meet him.

I think I see plenty of men I wouldn't mind getting to know out there... but men are clearly chicken shits. And sadly, I think 95% of the male population expects to find a beautiful toothpick. Toothpick - I am not. I'm no movie star but I have some appeal, a certain attractiveness if you will.

I want to stay on the right path. I continue to find news ways of being strong. I hold my strength and my coping mechanisms as I casually make my way back to the drawing board... suddenly I remember, I hate this fucking drawing board.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Contact Contentment

Wiki says, contentment can be realistically defined as "enjoyment of whatever may be desired".

I desire contact (dare I say, his) and therefore, it continues to astonish me the power I let others have over me. I'm not nearly as frail, weak, or lost as I was about two years ago. This is no doubt a strength I will continue to grow, just at not nearly the pace I would hope for. But I continue to find myself at the whim of others.

He smiles... I smile.
He cries... I cry.
He worries... I worry.

Just yesterday I let myself be bullied into confusion and hurt. All he had to do was pull away and I felt lost, lonely, and resentful at myself for having let myself feel so deeply. But do I want to feel, love, or lust any less than I do - no!

Each time I open myself to feel... I give myself completely. But men simply cannot handle any degree of this. Do they all just assume we are liars? Do they assume we don't care? Or are they so weak they run because god forbid they risk something, too? This is where one of my favorite principles comes in... compassion!!

But no, instead I whirl myself into a mess and I simply cannot find my head on straight until I have that contact. Someone to lick my wounds. Someone to tell me it wasn't my fault. Someone to tell me I didn't get rejected. Someone to tell me men continue to be the way they always will be... confusing.

Am I the only one that feels this high? ...this rush? ...the flood of desire? Am I the only one to reel out of control until contact is attained? Once it is given... you've found contentment.

Monday, August 15, 2011


I think I've decided to begin blogging again. The way life ebbs and flows can drive a person mad if they do not take the time to consider and reflect on all the fluctuations. I find myself at yet another point of perplexity.

I want so much to feel resolved. I start to think I could find a happiness and it gets yanked away. I just begin to catch my breath and I am served another blow.

One relationship ends and I'm back to trying to find my ground. I'm back to attempting happiness in a reality of seemingly unhappy moments. I begin to move on and I find not only my heart holding me back but those around me. How can you expect to completely let go of someone you shared your life with? If given the choice... would you not want to reserve the pain and take time to break down the fear?

I fear in breaking down so slowly I may lose the opportunity to know and love others. It is sad the pressure we place, as a society, on moving the relationship forward. We make jokes about men who spend their lives evading commitment. We make jokes about women and their endless to desire to commit. So if we all see a flaw in these two polar opposites... why is it we cannot create a semblance of balance.

I want my friend to hold my hand, to talk to, to trust, to spend hours with... just sharing reality. That each question and theory we share helps us move forward, in a world filled with useless knowledge, smarter.

Most of all I will miss the touch of another. The warmth, the softness, the caress back, and the all around appreciation for just sharing space. Why can't we, as men and women just learn to appreciate the balance? And sometimes, the lack there of?

In this moment I find myself stricken with a sadness I had not foreseen. I wish people would always be who they claim to be. Unfortunately, I think people commonly don't know themselves, and hence why, by the end of the day we've both lose sight of you.

This is why I will stick by blogging as opposed to writing or talking to others. Blogging does not judge, create distance, find remorse, or disappear without explanation. Yes, I prefer blogging... if only I had thought to turn to it sooner. I'm the only one I can trust.

Does blogging bring this resolution to everyone?