Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Since my last post, there has been a storm and it seems my life has turned completely up-side-down. So much so, that I'm not even sure I know what to write. But I feel I must write something because I am feeling so many things and I need to update the status of all things confucius.
Ex did a complete 180. Everything I had succumbed to knowing about him changed, again. The man I decided to let go of 15 months ago suddenly popped back into my life. He decided he didn't want to be without me and he did not want to share me. He decided his standards and inescapable desire for perfection were a bit off whack and all he really wanted was me.
I loved this man for nearly two years... how could I walk away from this opportunity? Maybe I am fucking nuts. Because Doc was/is amazing. He is the type of man any woman would (should) feel very blessed to have. So here I am faced with walking away from a beautiful idea of love, trust, and commitment to figure out if what I had is still what I want.
My heart twisted and pounded to the point where I thought my throat might burst. But I had to do what I know how to do - communicate and process. I went to my best friend, my mother. I told her all of what I saw in them. The thousands of fears facing me to go back to ex. The hundreds of hypothetical dreams in front of me with Doc.
I talked to ex for hours on the phone. I listened to his voice... the voice I fell in love with. I heard it crack, drop, and whisper so many things I had been waiting and wanting to hear. And then I knew... I wasn't over him. The thought of having this man back? This funny, beautiful, sweet, sexy, smart, and loving man back. I wanted him. Maybe I am one thousand times wrong but this is where my heart is, unless he breaks it again.
And then the jagged rock dropped to the pit of my stomach... I had to tell Doc. I had to tell this perfectly innocent, pure, and love-inspiring man that I was leaving him. Leaving him for what? ... a glance at my past? ... a hopeful dream? ... a theoretical man that let me down because it was easier?
Fuck - more than anything in the world I did not want to tell him. I wanted to just hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him how amazing he is. ... But none of that would change what I feel for ex. None of that would suddenly make my heart stop longing or my tummy stop aching for ex.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
You meet the sweetest child at the orphanage and somehow after filling out all the paperwork, praying, holding each other close, painting walls, and dreaming... the reality breaks and someone tells you it's just not going to happen. Can you imagine the hurt that child must feel? My heart aches for him and the pain I've caused.
I'm not sure whether I border on stupidity or insanity. But I love ex, we will now call him Blue Eyes. And as much as I may love Doc, it just wasn't the same, yet.
For that I feel condemned. I feel hated and washed out. I feel like I played an evil trick and even though I saw the humor at one point, now all I see is the pain and wreckage. I fucking hate myself for this.
Maybe I wasn't ready to move on... and now Doc is paying for my mistake. I think I just break him further the more I try to help ease the blow. It feels like a failure. I am trying hard to do right by him, trying to do right by everyone around me, but in the end - I have to do what is right by me! I have to live with my choice. I feel I did what was right for me, at this time. Maybe if it were a few months down the road and I had seen all of what Doc was offering would remain a reality... I would have stayed. But it isn't months down the road and people change in the blink of an eye.
I love Blue Eyes and unless I break myself of him (which I haven't)... I cannot be true to another. I feel those around me mocking my decision. But with everyday I fall closer to him. He is the man I fell in love with over a year ago. He holds me, touches me, inspires me, and talks to me the way we always wanted him to. He wanted this too, he just didn't know how. Together we will figure that out. I just wish I didn't feel so hated for making a choice ... I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to be the best me I can be... I hope you understand.