Monday, August 22, 2011


I was feeling reasonably confident in my ability to stand strong. I guess I have faltered in my confidence.

It has been a few months since I ended things with my ex. But I never cut him off 100%. I didn't even want to. It was safe. Yeah, he was an ass at times, but I knew he was clean and he knows my body just as I know his. So we were periodically sleeping together. I know this isn't optimal, but it seemed to be working out well enough.

Now, I've started seeing someone new, a friend... a desireable friend. Someone who feels so safe, so comfortable. I'm afraid to pour myself in all the way, but I'm quite certain I will anyways. This is how I felt with my ex in the beginning. When we first met, he dazzled me. Who is to say it is not going to be more of the same? What if it is just another too-good-to-be-true scenario?

I want to take my time, I want to feel safe, and I want to trust men, him. Suddenly my mind is stretched to all limits. I'm not interested in stringing along two men. So I need to figure out how to let my ex go, completely.

I want to be his friend. I want to laugh with him. ... I think. Or do I just want an excuse to not let go because it is too scary? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I thought it all made sense. I thought I was ready to let go. ... no, I just wanted to be ready to let go. My feelings are all so far away I have to stretch to reach them, to understand them. I'm barely understanding them or me.

Now, I feel adamant I need to let go. I need to tell him the sexual escapades are over. I'm fine with seeing him if he can respect my boundaries. But what is the pleasure in that? I feel like everything I say is an excuse, some cross between my theoretical reality and desired reality. I'm stretched so thin emotionally I can't even figure out what is true.

My new guy - we'll call him Doc - he feels amazing. Amazing in more ways than I could have ever imagined. When we began I just thought it was plutonic. But the more time I've spent with him the more I've found myself desiring him. Now I'm to the point where I don't like being without him.

What if he begins to see me the way ex did? What if he realizes I'm not nearly as spectacular as he seems to believe? I'd become completely replacable... as I am to ex now. Or, at least I was last week... because now ex is asking for more of my time. Suddenly ex wants to pretend to be interested. I'm being pulled in directions and ways I do not understand... internally and externally.

I just want this to be easy. I just want to feel responsible for my own emotions. I want to feel strong and knowledgable that making my choice is based upon cognitive comprehension, not heart-drawn appeals. Does it ever get that easy for anyone? Can others just turn pieces of themselves off and just listen to the smart parts?

Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. Or maybe I'm not asking nearly enough. Both of these men deserve honesty, love, and respect. I'm comfortable enough with myself now and I know myself well enough now, to know that I won't be anything less than respectful to either of them. But fuck, really? Does everything always have to feel so twisted, stretched, and confusing?

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