Thursday, July 19, 2012

Could It Be That Simple?

I’ve decided I must be somewhere stuck in the in-between of relationship end and single person. I’m resolved to the fact that this will indeed end. Somehow, some way, some day… this will end. Physically I’m still with this person. I see him daily, we share a bed, and his touch still warms me. But mentally and emotionally I just want to complete the separation.

I want peace from something that was and won’t continue. Emotionally, I am drained of all possible effort… hope and I know better now. I know we are past effort. But that does not stop the piece of me that always wants to fix, the piece of me that lives to please my other… from wanting.

I care how he sleeps, that he feels contented, that he doesn’t hurt. But in all my cares I am reminded of the simple fact that makes this relationship moot. … He does not care. He simply is not capable of caring, empathizing, or understanding.

So, in front of me it lives… breathes, eats, thinks, touches, and yearns… but inside of me it just hurts. An emptiness that has swallowed the last three years of my life. A picture that hung on my wall and has now been taken down to leave an awkward nail imbedded in my wall.

I long to hang something new. I want to create my path to the life I deserve. Because for the last few years, with him, it hasn’t really been a life at all… just the physical act of living.

God, it hurts to push for this emptiness knowing how much I have loved him. How much I have sacrificed while staying with him… having gone back to him… and loving him and his family as my own. Completely unbeknownst to him... because I think in his eyes I am useless, selfish, uncontrolled chaos. But really that’s just my impression of his thoughts because communication is so far from his ability.

To be in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable is to be suffocated by the very breath you need to survive. I prayed that it would become breathable, but unless it would be willing and take action to change it merely would not be breathable. Hope alone does not will something to be… no matter how hard you or I try.

It took me almost three years to recognize this. It took me almost three years to give up hope. It took almost three years of my life away. Life is far too short to be handing my years away.

I want to be loved, hell, I want to be liked! I deserve these things. I can give so much. I love so completely. I communicate honestly, openly, regularly. I deserve someone who wants to love and be emotionally available to me. It’s that simple.

Emotional availability… could it be that simple? Yes, yes… I think it is. I can do this. I’m going to get there. Because I can’t have kids until I’m there. I want kids…

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Lost and Not Found

I woke up but I’m not sure why. Like normal I’m floating in a fucking chasm on a seemingly endless journey to nowhere. I want an end point to work towards. I want a past to savor. And I want a present that makes each day worth waking for.

I guess I should start by telling you I just read all of the Shades of Gray trilogy, within a week. I really loved it. I loved that in my imagination she could be plain-Jane as opposed to what we will see as soon as she is casted for the to-be movie. I was in love with all of it. At first I was nervous for her, Ana, but quite quickly I just became engrossed in all of it.

Here I am, post-shades and I’m lost. I miss the characters. I’m desperate to know how they are. I’m desperate to enjoy their lives and see that it all works out.

I’m desperate to be alive like that. Is reality like that? Do men that hold your hand, watch you breathe while you sleep, protect, and cherish you really exist? Someone so selfless and so in love that they would give up their heart just to have yours back in return?

This isn’t just about finding the right love, because god knows and I know that I don’t have him. This is about being alive and belonging. Fitting within yourself, your home, your work, your body… everywhere you go. Belonging to something, feeling a part of something.

I feel so lost. I guess I’m almost to the point where I don’t even think I’ll be found. Is that why I can’t push him away?

I just want to be found.