Sunday, August 5, 2012

Kind Hearts So Far Away

I moved around a lot growing up.  Every time I would start to feel at home in my home something would change.  A parent would dream of greener pastures and I was uprooted and moved.  There were small moves, just up the road, but most of them were big.  From city to city and from state to state.

Every new home we had, I'd find a new friend.  I don't even remember how I did it half the time.  I guess I was brave.  I'd find someone and the conversation would start and just grow from there. 

I latched quickly.  I invested myself in them. I loved them completely.  Where they went, I went.  What they wanted, I wanted them to have.  Any fears they had, I wanted to squash.  Any dreams they had, I wanted to help them achieve. 

... and then we'd move again.  So, here I am at twenty-seven years old and I have friends everywhere.  But worse... I don't have a friend here.

As this person that lived to be a part of others' lives, having so little contact breaks my heart.  Lately this pain is at a head. 

This pain is probably so prevelant because in the last two years I've lost (physical proxmity with) three of the most special women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life.  The roommate who became like a sister to me the day she moved in, moved back south.  An old coworker who had become a close friend moved back west.

But the hardest of all has been the loss of my cousin, my best friend.  She was my snuggle, cuddle buddy.  She was a sweet smile, soft heart, and warmth in my soul everyday.  Strong, smart, loving, just purely amazing.  I miss her.  ... she moved to find work because of this shitty ass economy.

Everyday I think about it, it breaks my heart a little more.  It hurts to miss all my friends so much.  And it hurts to feel so alone here, without any of them.  It's been a hard couple of years.  I want them back.

I don't even feel like I know how to make friends anymore.  To feel so busy and be surrounded by so many people and to feel lonely.  It's hard.

I want to bring all these girls back and be surrounded by all the amazing love and kindness our friendships were born from. My heart aches. I miss these beautiful, amazing women that I got to know when I was growing up.

1 comment:

  1. I understand what you mean by moving a lot and investing yourself to make new friends. I feel the same! All the beautiful friendships that came to an end, all the wonderful times which are now just memories that bring tears to the eyes and a feeling of longing. Sometimes I wish I could make all the different friends I made over the years come to one place. They would all love each other so much and how I'd love to have them around me in my life.