Monday, December 10, 2012

New Level of Confusion

Undeniably... I find myself lost and confused. But I feel like I've hit an all new level. Things that I had found familiar and comfortable, suddenly seem rocky and unsteady. The very foundation of the home you love is no longer stable. Where do you step when all of the rock around you is loose?

I felt like in some ways I was finding myself and building... onward, upward, in a general forward motion. I was working on me. I was working on being better and stronger. I felt more confidant and loved. I thought I was doing the right, positive things. But suddenly none of that seems to be the case.

Nothing seems familiar. Nothing seems easy. Nothing seems justified or fair. Nothing really makes much sense in my life at all. Nothing seems to have a purpose. And strangely, very little even seems to have a value.

I had built myself with strength. I had grown up enough to know what I needed and wanted. So why then do I feel so much like I've slipped? I've slipped so far there is barely anything left to grab at. I don't even recognize my own happiness right now. Many of my days are filled with depression. I don't even know what I'm living for.

I imagine my feelings to be similar to those of Keanu Reeves in the first movie of The Matrix. Or maybe Tom Cruise in the Minority Report. Suddenly everything you believe to be true and real just doesn't seem to be as true or right anymore.

I keep thinking I need to sit down and write goals. Write down what I know and what makes me happy. I need to establish what it is I truly want. Establish where I want to go and who I want to take with me. Because if I only ever wander aimlessly, I can never really hope to be successful at... whatever it is I haven't established... right?

Compounded... I had one of the roughest sessions with my current therapist that I've ever had with any. I already felt lost. But everything she said seemed to point me further into a sense of loss and personal failure.

"Why stay with her?", a few people have asked... and I'm not entirely sure what to say. Mainly because I don't think at this current state of depression and confusion I could handle going it without some sense of theraputic guidance. I think the only session that has ever hurt this much before was when my previous therapist told me she was moving away. But that wasn't personal, so despite the hurt I felt, as an intellectual human being... I could move past it.

Maybe she's sick of me? Maybe I just really am that big of a failure at picking myself up? Maybe I just focus too much on my strengths that I build myself into a false sense of security? Maybe she was trying to show me tough love? Maybe she felt I was being too niave?

Normally I'd take my confusion to her and she'd
help me find myself... find my own direction. But now I don't even know where to go. I didn't know what to do or how to fix it when I walked into her office. And now the image has been pushed back even further... not only do I see the center mass of chaos, I see the surrounding edges melting into the same messiness.

Right now, nothing feels right... and surely nothing feels safe. I'm unhappy with everything I am and everything I know. I want to fix it, but when all of what you see is a black mess... where do you start? I'd rip off the page and get a new damn sheet of paper. I don't want this one anymore. But what do I do when I don't want this life anymore?

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