Friday, January 4, 2013


Don't speak... don't part your lips... don't bare words... don't shape the air that escapes.  Do not move your fingers... hit the keys... slide across the board... or share your thoughts as they flow.  Nothing I could say or share would ease this uneasiness.

Each time I start to look through my contacts... someone to talk to, someone to reach out to, someone to share with I feel myself recoil.  There is nothing to say.  There is nothing I could say that wouldn't sound completely assinign, absurd, meaningless, pety, dumb, and pathetic.  So I don't. 

I have built up this wall of friends and family... an aresinal of people who care, who listen, who want to support me.  But I can't stop or shake this feeling that everything I could possibly say is irritating and useless. 

I don't want to talk to anyone.  I'm in hiding.  I'm shut down.  I feel lost.  And even in my loss I don't want to question because I hear myself in my head... and I don't want to hear either.  I feel so empty and so full all at once. 

When I should probably be reaching out most, I find myself hiding from the hands that reach for me.  I don't know what to do or how to fix... anything.  But everything feels wrong... everything about me and around me. I want to run. 

I've felt this way for a couple weeks now.  I don't know whether there is an end.  I just feel empty...

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