At any given moment in my life, I can stop and reflect on who my friends are. I surround myself with these people with whom I share time, love, respect, and mutual likenesses. I treat them, care for them, and protect them... as if they are my world.
Recently this part of my world seems to be changing… draining. The people I held most dear have recently turned into nothing more than a mirage. I trusted and put myself into their lives. Giving them any heart and understanding that I could give, with a passion for their lives similar to the passion they had for their own… sometimes more.
Maybe I’m naive but I love with all of me. And my friends have my love… seemingly now and always. But the people I was giving myself over to… don’t seem to have that same passion or love for me.
A woman I allowed into my life as a best friend, an ex to my now ex, turned my love upside down. I worked with her to help her. I had patience for her and the complexity of her life and the mean people around her. I took her son in at a time when I could have turned against them… given my life, given my history. I could have been a doubtful person. Instead I opened my arms. I owned her pain as my own. I was a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a body to stand strong against the storm winds with, I was a friend and a companion in dark days. Not without my moments of temperament, not perfect… because I never will be… but I was good to her.
Any sane woman would have balked at the idea of her man’s ex moving into his apartment. I didn’t. Instead I embraced with love and compassion
But when her emotions and temperaments got too much I spoke up against the behavior… not even against the woman, just the behavior… because she was, after all, my friend and I loved her.
For this… I was discarded… answered with threats of her poor situation. I was told it wasn’t my place to speak; it wasn’t my right nor my home. My insides ripped open and in pain I lashed out. Lashed at him, lashed at her, lashed out at myself.
He took her side.
How could he take her side? He agreed about her behavior. But he still took her side. Not my place. Not my right. My voice feels stolen again. And the rip in my heart goes deeper… and the blood is everywhere.
Everything inside of me feels out of place. Everything in my life feels upside down.
I gave all of myself because that is who I am. Now, I don’t know how to continue. Now, I don’t know where to continue. I don’t want to be selfish, I want to be selfless. And now, all I feel is emptiness.
Then came Toni… and I've embraced her with all that I have.