Friday, October 16, 2015

Stay or Go...

It’s been a long six years with this man I love. There have been ins and outs and ups and downs. I fell deeply, madly in love with him so fast, so easy, even after every broken heart. But then he goes void.

We act out a relationship – primarily in that we sleep in the same bed or eat the same things for dinner, but rarely much more than that when he is void.

We go places he walks ahead. I need his help and he can’t find the moment to help. We sit to watch a tv program and he plays on his PC, or puts head phones on and watches a different show. I walk out of the room he sees no difference. I make him dinner including all his dietary preferences but he shows no appreciation. I try to tell him of my pain and he relates it back to something I’ve done similar, thus nulling my right to feel the pain. I make mistakes and I apologize. I get angry and yell but come back to say I’m sorry.

Over and over and over and over…

Each time I start to walk away and meet someone new his emotions stir and he is relit to the life we share.

I break the new person’s heart and trust to go back to what I know I’ve loved all along – the man that loves me just as much and is emotionally available enough to show me.

I hate myself for this. Hurting one, two, three, four … people. For what?

The fourth time… I fell profoundly, wildly in love with a woman. I only thought I wanted to play around and decide if it was even possible to love a woman. We clicked instantly. We understood each other. The attraction was so intense and so deep. I’m told this is normal between two females... that the connection is stronger than anything that could ever be felt between a man and a woman. I do not know if this is true. No two people love or feel the same so how could any one person could truly define the capabilities of love throughout an entire species.

But he came back for me… as he always does. And I found myself stretched and stuck all at once. Beyond myself with how to choose between these two beautifully flawed individuals who were willing to give me so much love – because, of course, he was available then.

I chose him.

I broke her but I couldn’t let go of her. I offered to let go to let her move on and find happiness. She was as awe-struck as I was. We didn’t want to let go.

I broke him by loving her while being with him.

Again and again it came down to the wire for a year – he would mark a spot in the sand and say choose. Again and again I chose him.

Her heart and mine broke down and the love was more and more strained by reality, life, and circumstances.

I chose him again.

She moved on… he went void.

I hurt. I tried to rebuild. I tried to forgive. I apologized with all of the sincerity and love in my heart. And we bobbed gently down the river in the same direction occasionally bumping off one another. Existing in this empty shell of friendship, with physical proximity, and the rare sighting of hope. For a year I felt alone and empty but I continued with the assumption of us.

He’s broken.

My indiscretion is unforgivable.

My error was loving too much. My error was forgiving. My error was in wanting my partner present.

I forgave and forgave and forgave… and now I must move forward.

My insides are beyond weak. I’m lost in myself. I want to move on but I’m scared to hurt another… scared to hurt myself... scared to trust... scared to be let down again… scared to live.

I will go. But I am scared. I’m so fragile I feel a butterfly’s breath could break me.

I need you now more than ever.

Hold my hand?

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