My life is a mess… an absolute fucking mess. I’m not sure what I trust or what is safe. The people I would have given my life to protect have walked away. I’m crying and so confused about my next step.
But to build onto my life I need to believe my life is worth something. Right now my life feels like a series of voids, excuses, exceptions, losses, and pains. Before hell broke loose I was strong.
In January of this year, I felt so sure of myself, so sure of my future. How I planned to build, where I wanted it to go. So much of that is gone. I feel like I just got to the beach and I’m starting a new sand castle a bit too close to the water and every dome I begin to shape washes away into a slurry of water and sand.
Thank god for the last 15 years of therapy! Developing coping skills I didn’t even know existed. If it weren’t for all those professionals listening to my story, guiding me to find myself, guiding me to find my own strength… I don’t think I could be here.
I want to believe in something. I want to know that my future starts ‘here’. I want to know that the footing is safe and I can work on moving forward from here. My few points of security at this time are:
My mother – she has always been strong for me when I needed her most. She helps re-align my heart and head to get me moving in a positive direction.
My little person – although she wasn’t born from me, she is the light of my life. I make so many choices based upon the needs of this little person. Her smile, her laugh, her little hands, her caring soul guide me back to a purpose I can be comfortable with.
My self – it has taken me a long time to see myself as my own strength, but over the last year I have worked so hard to trust this person. To rely on her to carry me through the good and the bad. She is so caring and kind. She’d protect me from anything… if only learned to trust her and allow her to be my safety.
Very little outside of these three factors are sure and secure or close enough to provide the stability I need. Why do I seek the arms of a loved one? Why do I seek some nameless, faceless person to tell me I’m okay? Why do I need him to tell me I am enough … that I’m good enough … that I’m worthy enough.
I don’t believe that nameless faceless person exists. I don’t want to keep looking because all things about love feel like a lie. My other half doesn’t exist. So why allow my world to turn upside down while looking for something that does not exist?